How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes April 2018

Artwork: “How to make Friends” by Poly Dandroid ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to April’s winners who each win a free trip to the pleasure planet, Bijovian 3. The shuttle departs from Starbase Alpha Beta Supa in minus 4 cosmic days at 3200 hours. The winning entries are;

• ‘Social media users, feel your page is not getting enough attention? Simply post a picture of the last thing you ate online and watch the comments come rolling in!’ – by Deborah the ambidextrous digital watch of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘Sports fans, to avoid disappointment, only support the teams that win.’ – by Edwin the electric toothbrush of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘If you think that the advice is good, then it’s probably the wrong advice.’ – by Captain Picaridin of the Starship Chevette as provided by Vera Swift
• ‘If you don’t know what is in there, don’t put your head in it.” – by The Electric Landlady as provided by Saffron Waldon
• ‘If you want to get things done quickly, do them whilst holding in a wee.’ – by Doctor Whom the Time Traffic Warden as provided by Julien Roussel
• ‘Stop blaming yourself. No-one will notice.’ – by Rocky the Robot as provided by Camilla Fudge
• ‘Opening your mouth is always an option.’ – By the Great Vernon Equinox of the Galactic shopping centre as provided by Jenny Lively

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

• Try to limit your top tips to one line.
• Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
• Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 1^st June 2018

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Tail That Wags the Ape

Artwork: “Dog gone and done it” by Poly Dandroid ©

“Who let the apes out?”  – Popular hit parade song from Sirius Radio

Humans are very loyal, are social creatures and make good companions. This is what makes them perfect for pets. Many of Earth’s beings have a human for a pet, most notably of which are the species known as dogs.

The dog / human relationship appears to have begun in both species ancestral past, when early dogs manipulated the dithering apes to feed them. In return, the dogs protected their pets from predators, offering the apes a safe environment to continue dithering at a much larger degree.

Also, the early dogs were able to use their pets to do the hunting for them and received tasty bones in return. (This process has now evolved to the point whereby their pets produce and supply a great range of tasty and nutritional treats for the dog.) Additionally, the dogs trained humans how to hunt more efficiently by bringing them on a hunt and therefore showing them the advantage of hunting in a pack.

In fact, the boneheaded ape’s total ability to be so thoroughly manipulated has ensured its survival to date.

It is worth noting that the dogs have also used their visual appearance to influence their pets. Over many thousands of years, the dogs would use their pets to help them meet and breed with the opposite sex. This eradicated all of the social complexities of the mating process and had an extra bonus of mating with others that their pets found aesthetically pleasing – thus strengthening and manipulating the human’s emotional bond with them.

It is obvious to any extra-terrestrial visiting this little rock that humans can, under the right circumstances, be trained, domesticated and disciplined to perform all manner of social tasks. From dog parlours to dog parkas, trendy carriers to squeaky toys, all of a species’ needs can be met. No wonder everyone wants an Earth ape of their very own!

However, beware of the ape. It is important to note that beneath the doe eyes and funny hair, the human is still a wild, unpredictable animal.

There is also an important lesson to be learnt by this kind of evolutionary exploitation. The dogs are becoming dependant upon their pets and are beginning to lose the natural ability to look after themselves. But one still has to admire the way in which they continue to train their dumb apes even today.

In recent years, the dogs have even trained their pets to pick up their faeces for them. A most impressive feat.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes February 2018

Artwork: “A.I.” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to February’s winners who each win a free cosmic mind-reading from Madame Zelda of Zubenelgenubi 7. Listen out for your fortune whilst facing in the direction of the constellation Libra next Zonday at 27 o’clock. The winning entries are;

• ‘To avoid forgetting people’s names, only make friends with people who share the same name as you.’ – by Alien Anonymous as provided by The Phantom Poet
• ‘Always late to work? Slept in again? To save valuable time in the mornings, simply get dressed before you go to bed.’ – by Brian the dysfunctional microwave oven of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘Get more out of your toilet paper by using both sides.’ – By Doctor Whom the Time Traffic Warden as provided by Julien Roussel
• ‘Annoyed by sales calls? Movie night keeps getting interrupted by that friend that wants a chat? Dinner’s gone cold again because of that relative’s incessant phoning?  Then change your answering message to intermittently stating okay, uhuh, sounds interesting, uhuh, uhuh, uhuh, really? Uhuh, okay, okay, uhum, oh really, uhuh, okay. And then listen back to your conversations at a more convenient time.’ – Captain Tiberius Jerk of the Millennial Saucepan as provided by Derek Forward
• ‘Waiters, to avoid any negative responses, wait until your diners have a mouthful of food before asking them if everything is alright with their meal.’ – by Patty the pernickety portable kettle of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

• Try to limit your top tips to one line.
• Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
• Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 1^st April 2018

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Kissing Link

Artwork: “Valentine” by Poly Dandroid ©

 

“Rasalgethians are Red

Veganese are Blue

Earthlings are stupid

And belong in a Zoo”

 – Count Zinfandel the Sixteenth

 

Whilst I stood waiting with a troop of apes at the bus stop this morning, a young couple were partaking in a sexual bonding display common to Earthlings (known colloquially as ‘Snogging’). The grunting apes that surrounded me appeared uneasy and made great effort to display signals to one another that ogling the couple was the very thing they were not doing. I stood and watched the young couple’s display with intrigue.

It reminded me of an avian species from Regor 9. As you make your way around the busy post-industrial forests of Regor you can observe many Regorians pecking at one another’s beaks whilst rapidly lashing their small stumpy tongues in and out of each other’s mouths.

This peculiar behaviour originates in the early times of the Regorians when the mothers would find and swallow food to regurgitate back into the eager open mouths of their hungry nestlings. This early intimacy helped create a special bond between parent and child.

When the adolescent Regorian becomes of age and seeks a sexual bond, they re-enact this primal intimacy without much thought of its origin.

This odd act can be witnessed with many of the galaxy’s other feral apes too. For example, red-spotted apes of Nembus can also be seen exchanging copious amounts of saliva with other red-spotted apes of Nembus when reaching the age of sexual maturity. (N.B. This is not to be confused with the social mouth grooming practice performed by the balding apes of Azelfafage, in which this ‘kissing’ function is done solely as an effective means to dislodge chewed nuts and berries from each other’s mouths for hygienic purposes.)

What makes the Earth apes’ display of re-enacted mastication even more bizarre is the fact that their lips are inside out – this amusing trait (along with the rather awkward embrace by their two long front drooping legs) adds a certain comical element to the whole exhibition!

It is also worth taking note that the act of laughing uncontrollably at a young couple whilst they perform this display can be of great embarrassment to them. As a result, they spent the preceding bus journey making great effort to display signals to the other apes that this was not the case.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Invaders from Earth

Artwork: “Invaders from Earth Promotional Poster” – Cosmic Domain

 “You can usually quote anyone about anything, but don’t quote me on that.”

 – General Lee Sed

You may be familiar with a certain classic movie in which an alien race invades a planet.

The story begins with several large alien cylinders raining down upon the planet. The aliens clumsily stumble out of the cylinders, grunt at the locals and then quickly retreat into their tripods to help them get about. Once inside their fighting machines, they begin to blast everywhere in sight with their heat rays.

As the story unfolds, we follow a doctor of the planet. As her husband is kidnapped by the aliens, she chases them around the countryside where she witnesses their total destruction of the planet’s towns, retail parks and cities.

Meanwhile, a youngster observes through his telescope one of the alien cylinders crash down into a nearby sandpit. His father investigates the crash site and returns as an idiot. Pretty soon, all of the townsfolk are acting in this unusual manner. The young boy encounters the doctor and together they futilely attempt to inform the locals that they are under the influence of the invading aliens.

Throughout the story, the aliens’ strange behaviour is observed in more detail. The aliens often release a pungent guff, litter the planet and gobble up the inhabitants. The local army have some success in attacking the tripods. However, it soon becomes clear that a full planetary evacuation is required.

The story concludes with the alien invaders catching a cold and subsequently dying out relatively soon after that.

If you hadn’t guessed yet, I am of course referring to the classic movie – Invaders from Earth.

So what an irony, that I myself am now afflicted by an Earth virus, passed onto me from some sniffling ape!

As I lie here in my bed, reduced to a snotty rag of whinging bones and swaddled in a feverish duvet, I contemplate the incredulous scepticism with which Earthlings regard such a viral vandal in their society.

The act of having to notify your place of work that you are inflicted with a deadly virus is an exasperating one.

Firstly, it is required that you actually speak to an ape via a telephone to prove that you are in fact sick and not lying.

It is at this crucial moment, when the ape answers the phone, which you will feel yourself at the peak of physical fitness and suddenly present a perky and positive tone. However, many experienced apes will have evolved to disguise this situation by employing a series of complex social processes.

Let me explain. Firstly, it is wise to adapt a slow serious tone of voice with sharp intermittent sniffs to give the impression that one is very ill indeed. By imitating an idiot, the ape can successfully give the impression that their faculties are indeed extremely diminished as a result of the sickness.

Secondly, many apes will employ several props to help make this more convincing. For example, by shoving tissue paper up each nostril, the caller will give the effect that they are heavily congested.

Additional coughs, snorts, sniffles and throat-clearing noises, will signal to the receiver that the caller is afflicted with a very strong cold. (Note: Remember that it is only audible signals that are of any effect. Any visual displays will be ignored.)

At this stage it is important that you do not give any indication that you will be virus-free anytime soon. It is well worth planning your sickness for at least one week. However, the receiver will be quick to inform you that after 7 day’s absence you will require a note from your doctor to confirm that you are not lying.

Once this deed is done, you can rest assured for the remainder of your absence, that your work colleagues will be very aggrieved that you have left them additional work to do. It is therefore very important that you find time to promote your illness on any social media sites.

For example; “I wish I wasn’t so ill. When will this awful infliction end? I am not enjoying being away from work at all!” …or something to that effect.

(Remember, many Earth apes have a sense of great pride in the fact that they can manage to associate with others whilst suffering from a contagious virus and therefore expect the same of others – no matter how much they may spread and assist the virus in evolving.)

After finally undertaking these demeaning social tasks, you are free to clamber into your bed and attempt not to die.

It is courteous to email your manager towards the end of the week with a message that you are beginning to feel a lot better and that you expect to be in on Friday. This will ensure that your troop of apes have sufficient time to demonstrate a concern for your health and enquire into why didn’t you take longer off, so you could recuperate?

At least I got to stay in bed and watch Invaders from Earth again. Only this time, I am now a little more sympathetic to the Earthlings.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

The Survival of the Thickest

Artwork: “Tide Pod Dinner” by Poly Dandroid ©

“How do you know if you are stupid?”  – Emperor Napoleon Trio

An Alcorian takes on average 49 years to mature to adulthood. The age of consent on Alcor B is 51 and they are able to vote by the time they reach 55.

This evolutionary trade off means that Alcorians are able to continue to mature long after leaving the womb, which enables their brains and bodies to continue to develop and grow after they are born. This accounts for why the average Alcorian has a head circumference of an impressive 152 centimetres by the time they reach full maturity.

Conversely, a Polluxan is born fully mature and is able to complete several social and rudimentary tasks upon birth. In fact, they plan and schedule their own birth dates far in advance so as not to cause their mother any social inconvenience.

Humans belong to the former.

However, it is debatable whether they actually reach any form of maturity at all.

Browse the ape’s internet and it becomes clear that the human race has reached an evolutionary u-bend.

Over thousands of years of figuring out how not to be eaten by the animals, side-stepping spewing volcanoes, recovering from snotty pandemics and avoiding the red berries, the modern ape now faces its own stupidity in the face…and gets a slap.

For example, hundreds of videos show bone-headed apes finding great heights to climb and then fall from. This behaviour is then mimicked as other Earth apes attempt more and more extreme ways in which to kill themselves.

Earthlings rise to the challenge of their stupidity. It is not uncommon to witness many semi-evolved sperms wandering about in their trainers with a tide pod placed in their mouths. Some dowse themselves in flammable liquids, set them aflame and video it for others to frantically like and share.

Gangly dives, skateboard castration, suicidal selfies and corn on the cob power drills are all further examples of this peculiar behaviour.

Strangely, some of the videos were interrupted by an advert that willingly encouraged any dumb apes that’d recently been in an accident due to their own stupidity, to seek compensation from other apes for not adequately putting in place protective procedures to prevent the said stupidity.

Look for something more mentally stimulating, and you may chance upon an intriguing television programme in which several apes have decided to stay in a house together and undertake degrading tasks as to get attention from their peers.

The contestants are locked in a house and continuously recorded. As they compete for attention, they are prone to tantrums and fits as they struggle to articulate their points of view. The apes viewing from their sofas tremendously enjoy this.

And this is the problem. It appears that it is becoming increasingly popular to be stupid.

In fact, there is no barrier to one’s stupidity and it is applauded vigorously by a whole flange of whooping apes. Anyone can freely express their ignorance; presidents, politicians, news correspondents, radio DJs, religious leaders and pop stars all revel in the fame that their idiocracy brings.

On the majority of the planets in the galaxy, the stupid gene has all but become obsolete. On Earth, it breeds with tremendous vigour.

Intelligence is rejected. There is no need for a fact to get in the way of an opinion and ‘experts’ are frowned upon.

Earth is in the throes of a great stupidity epidemic. Stupidity is self-selecting. Stupidity is a great sexy behind, ready to be humped. Stupidity breeds stupidity.

What a strange world, in which immaturity and stupidity are celebrated, rewarded and perceived as entertainment.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

This Cup of Coffee Almost Broke the Internet!

Artwork: “Cosmic Coffee” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“The longer you hold onto your anger, the colder your coffee goes.”  – Sir Antimony Thrice; CEO of Cosmic Coffee™

There’s nothing like that feeling of being hit full on in the face by a lamp post to make you realise that there is something very wrong with the world in which you find yourself.

This morning, I gulped down this very same feeling with the help of an oversized (and overpriced) paper cup of crappy coffee and continued to stare at the troop of office apes as they grunted, whooped, cursed and physically assaulted their PCs.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I really do. It’s just the fact that they are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Take for example the artificial Baristas on Starbase 12 in the Procyon system. They serve the daily melange of evolutionary spawned bacteria, that slip through the revolving metal post-box of a station, with the same sensitivity and reliance of a Poundland portable kettle.

This frequently causes many highly developed and civilised bacteria to become quite agitated, which in turn leads to the total obliteration of the Barista.

It’s not the waiting around for the mechanically inept arms to pull out the correct sized paper cup that winds up the travellers, nor is it down to the pre-programmable consumer-needy drivel that gnaws at the brain of the biological amalgamates. It is not even the pigeon-headed anticipation of attempting the decipher the correct etiquette to pay to a tin can drongo which finally devolves every sophisticated snot bubble of DNA to a raging toad.

It’s the startling realisation that you have put yourself through this entire rigmarole for nothing but a paper cup of crappy coffee and once more cheated yourself of your own intelligence in doing so.

This is why Cosmic Coffee™ is so popular throughout the galaxy. Its company allows and enables lifeforms to feel the satisfying pleasure of beating a socially malfunctioning maladroit android to death before carrying on with their lives, at no added cost.

So, what’s the earthling’s excuse?

What possible pleasure can the dumb apes derive from watching the spinning wheel of death count away a few more miserable seconds of from their pointless short lives?

Is it the pending euphoria of once again being granted access to a stuck-up jobsworth of a spreadsheet? Perhaps it’s the rush of dopamine induced by a self-affirming response from a pinging email. Or maybe it’s the inclusive thumbs up from one of the internet’s many anti-social apps which hands them the wet dream of acceptance into the older kid’s group at school, and adds an overwhelming stain of purpose to their day.

Minutes later, the Wi-Fi signal was re-established and the programmes began to slowly respond to the boneheaded apes’ miserable grunts once more – It was worth noting that none of the previous thuggery upon the machines had had any significant impact upon their mental well-being.

I received an email this afternoon. The manager wants me to explain why the coffee machine on the 2^nd floor has been smashed into a million pieces. I want him to explain to me why it’s taken until now to happen.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes October 2017

Artwork: “Politics” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to October’s winners who each win a 20% off your final bill (Excluding drinks) at any one of the galaxy’s Admiral Atom Burger Bars. Simply quote Poly0201 when booking. The winning entries are;

• ‘Internet page taking too long to download? Simply do something else instead!’ – by Captain Zap; Space Renegade, as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
• ‘Time travellers, avoid unnecessary drama in your life by only travelling forwards through time.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘When travelling, hide valuables inside a pot of Pot Noodle to keep them safe.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin
• ‘To tell if a person is romantically interested in you, observe in which direction their antennae are pointing. If towards you, then you are in luck! If away, better luck next time!’ – Attributed to Captain Polo of the Millennium Pigeon as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘Don’t have a safe? Place your treasured belongings in a hollowed out copy of Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code to guarantee that no one finds them.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

• Try to limit your top tips to one line.
• Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
• Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 14th February 2018

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes August 2017

Artwork: “Big Bang” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to August’s winners who each win a free time travel experience of your choice. Simply redeem your prize at any of the following time travel outlets; 1665 London, 2372 New York or 10,000BC Urals. The winning entries are;

• ‘Leaning forward in a vehicle does not create additional acceleration when driving uphill. – Attributed to King Zumphrey of Proxima Centuri as provided by Trudy Utterly
• ‘It is advisable to take a flu jab before invading other planets.’ – by Alien Anonymous as provided by The Phantom Poet
• ‘Vloggers, trick people into thinking that your video is wacky and exciting by speaking really fast, saying “What’s up” and wiggling your eyebrows a lot.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘A cough; no matter how well timed, will rarely disguise flatulence.’ – By Doctor Philtrum of the Federal Republic of Macronesia as provided by Donald Pidory
• ‘Thugs, want to perfect that tough guy walk? Simply leave the coat-hanger in your T-shirt and watch as the crowds avoid your menacing demeanour. Grrr!’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘Social Media Users, appear popular by liking your own posts.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
• ‘Six heads are better than two.’ – by Alien Anonymous as provided by The Phantom Poet

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

• Try to limit your top tips to one line.
• Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
• Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 1^st October 2017

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Retching Death of a Broken Honky-Tonk Piano

Artwork: “Earth Ape Music” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Taste is Subjective. The problem is, is that you have none to begin with.”  – Sir Austin Metro

(Somewhere on planet Earth)

Me: Hey you…wait!

Ape: Who me?

Me: Yes. Yes. (out of breath)

Ape: What’s up?

Me: Excuse me. I don’t usually do this…but

Ape: But what?

Me: It’s just… It’s just that, that music you’re playing right now.

Ape: Yep. What about it?

Me: Well… It’s just that I’ve never heard anything as amazing as that in my entire life!

Ape: Yeh? (dumb smirk)

Me: Yeh! Well, I mean… you must be some awesome musical genius or something. Are you a record producer? I mean… how cool are you?

Ape: Yeh. (false modesty) Well, you know.

Me: I do now! I mean… wow! You just HAVE to give me a copy of that music!

Ape: Sure. It’s some rapper or other.

Me: Thank you so much! I will have to get all of my friends to listen to it… it will change their lives forever – just as you have changed mine. Thank you so, so much!

N.B. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

Maybe you can now put in your ear phones, close your car windows and turn down your stereos. Nobody wants to hear your s**t music, we all have far better taste than you anyway!

Message delivered.

 

Until next time. Keep evolving!

 

 

Fun Fact: Crap Music on Earth is pronounced with a silent C.