How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes April 2017

0100Artwork: “Extra-Terrestrial Beings” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to April’s winners who each win free admission to this year’s Galaxy Con on Aldebaran 3. The winning entries are;

  • ‘In case of a close encounter of the third kind, always carry a Bontempi keyboard with you at all times.’ – by Emperor Ping of the Galactic Empire as provided by Donald Pidory
  • ‘Never spit into the wind.–An ancient Andromedan proverb as provided by Donald Pidory
  • ‘Hitting your electronic devices is a form of self-harm.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
  • ‘If it’s true that you learn from your mistakes, then my advice is to make as many mistakes as possible.’ by Count Ducku of Transgalactica as provided by John-Paul Matin
  • ‘If you find yourself getting old, immediately stop looking in mirrors.’– Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 6th June 2017

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Evolution Will Not be Televised

ETTVArtwork: “ETTV” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“It’s a human eat human world!”  – The Upsilon Orionis Vitameatavegamin Advertising Company

There’s nothing like that feeling when you get home after a hard day’s work, kick off yours shoes, take off your prosthetic head and let your antennae just ping out.

One of my favourite ways to unwind upon this little planet is to stretch out on the sofa and flick through the terrestrial TV channels.

It is interesting to note, that for a long time, citizens of the galaxy had a very simple view of humans.

As a young girl, I was curious about these strange funny monkeys from far, far away. I have fond memories of Saturday mornings in front of the box, bowl of cereal in hand, watching Extra-Terrestrial TV.

I love Lucy and she loves me, we’re as happy as two can be!”

(Most of the earliest shows were from the United States of America, which goes some way to explain why any aliens that can speak Earthling fluently, do so with an American accent.)

In time, Earthlings generated more interest in the wider cosmic community due to the fact that their comical faces, bizarre hairstyles and primitive mannerisms made them perfect for roles in children’s science fiction shows.

In fact, Invaders from Earth remains one of my all-time favourite movies.

However, if you were to watch one of these shows today, you’d be struck by one slight anomaly. You see, all Earthlings are blue.

As far as any real scientific interest, Earthlings were nothing more than a tiny curiosity for a few biologists and a handful of nerds who enjoyed adding simple lifeforms to their online collections.

One of the first transmissions to reach my race was of the 1936 Olympic Games held in Berlin. For those who were responsible for cataloguing interstellar broadcasts, this was just yet another ping in the galactic pool of fuzziness to hit their antennae that day.

The sketchy black and white broadcasts were quickly logged, filed and categorised. Possibly carbon-based lifeforms. Bipeds with green, pink, blueish skin. Appear to be obsessed with jumping around, running and shouting a lot. No sense of humour, ridiculous facial hair, 99.9% chance of already being extinct.

It was a simple mistake that any bored SETI scientist could make considering the vast amount of alien soap operas that hit their satellite dishes on a daily basis – particularly from those races with blue skin.

On Earth, the propensity for prejudice is evident. For example; the young ones are rude, whilst the old ones are racist, the female ones are vulnerable, and the male ones are superior. Although, recently many apes have begun to evolve past this bone-headed primeval idiocy.

The trouble is, still, the apes have a habit of logging, filing and categorising themselves based upon their own prejudices and these are deeply entrenched in their society.

How strange it is that the fictional shows transmitted by earthlings tend to differ from reality.

The television serials and soap operas appear to have evolved since I was a girl. The female apes are no longer portrayed as subordinate to the male ones. The males can now freely display their sensitivities without ridicule and gender neutral characters are slowly beginning to become represented.

However, in contrast, the daily news broadcasts still show the ugly war-mongering, knuckle-dragging, grunting, territorial and barbaric inanity that many in the cosmic community still relate Earth’s apes with.

A lot has changed since I love Lucy… but there is still some way to go.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!