How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes October 2017

bertpoliticsArtwork: “Politics” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to October’s winners who each win a 20% off your final bill (Excluding drinks) at any one of the galaxy’s Admiral Atom Burger Bars. Simply quote Poly0201 when booking. The winning entries are;

  • ‘Internet page taking too long to download? Simply do something else instead!’ – by Captain Zap; Space Renegade, as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
  • ‘Time travellers, avoid unnecessary drama in your life by only travelling forwards through time.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
  • ‘When travelling, hide valuables inside a pot of Pot Noodle to keep them safe.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin
  • ‘To tell if a person is romantically interested in you, observe in which direction their antennae are pointing. If towards you, then you are in luck! If away, better luck next time!’ – Attributed to Captain Polo of the Millennium Pigeon as provided by Gibson J Adams
  • ‘Don’t have a safe? Place your treasured belongings in a hollowed out copy of Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code to guarantee that no one finds them.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 8th December 2017

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

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The Retching Death of a Broken Honky-Tonk Piano

Earth Ape MusicArtwork: “Earth Ape Music” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Taste is Subjective. The problem is, is that you have none to begin with.”  – Sir Austin Metro

(Somewhere on planet Earth)

Me: Hey you…wait!

Ape: Who me?

Me: Yes. Yes. (out of breath)

Ape: What’s up?

Me: Excuse me. I don’t usually do this…but

Ape: But what?

Me: It’s just… It’s just that, that music you’re playing right now.

Ape: Yep. What about it?

Me: Well… It’s just that I’ve never heard anything as amazing as that in my entire life!

Ape: Yeh? (dumb smirk)

Me: Yeh! Well, I mean… you must be some awesome musical genius or something. Are you a record producer? I mean… how cool are you?

Ape: Yeh. (false modesty) Well, you know.

Me: I do now! I mean… wow! You just HAVE to give me a copy of that music!

Ape: Sure. It’s some rapper or other.

Me: Thank you so much! I will have to get all of my friends to listen to it… it will change their lives forever – just as you have changed mine. Thank you so, so much!

N.B. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

Maybe you can now put in your ear phones, close your car windows and turn down your stereos. Nobody wants to hear your s**t music, we all have far better taste than you anyway!

Message delivered.

 

Until next time. Keep evolving!

 

 

Fun Fact: Crap Music on Earth is pronounced with a silent C.

What This Human Ape Looks Like Now Will Leave You Speechless!

HumanlookslikeArtwork: “Age” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

“If I stop counting the number of times I revolve around the sun, will I still be eligible for my pension.”  – FAQ, Galactic Retirement Agency

Approximately two hundred thousand years ago, a grunting ape sat under the canopy of the celestial night sky and opened its eyes for the first time. Grasping two medium sized rocks… it began to bang them together.

This was the beginning of the modern Earth ape.

From that point onward the apes developed more and more sophisticated conceptions such as the wheel, the spear, metallurgy and farming.

They awoke to the great dawn of civilisation, yawned, stretched and then began to contemplate their own existence and the world in which they found themselves.

Science, politics, engineering and philosophy developed within their bony skulls and together they rapidly began to ascend the ladder of evolution.

The wheel of the ape’s development was now set in motion. The automobile, sliced bread, liberty, HD TV, the Bunsen burner, rocket ships, pocket calculators, particle accelerators, vaccines, refrigerators, democracy, pizza, sun-cream, the electric guitar, windmills, treadmills, chess, light bulbs, equality, emojis, toothpaste, fibre-optic broadband, Low fat yoghurt, human rights legislation, quantum mechanics, conservation and satellite navigation.

So what’s next? What unimaginable concept is the human race about to discover?

By looking through the planetary internet, a clue to the next level of enlightenment appears – the humans are about to grasp the concept of ageing.

Every day, links to important stories alerting people to the fact that a once well-known celebrity has changed in appearance from how they looked 20 to 30 years ago are hurriedly sent out to the public.

The journalist, honourably fights daily to make sure the human population is aware of this mind-boggling and stunning news and scamper to send this important information out to the masses. And there are hundreds, if not thousands, of celebrities that have aged since 20 years ago.

Unbeknownst to most of the planet, there are even images of celebrities from 30 years ago who have aged by a remarkable 30 years since!

However, the authors of these stories are quick to warn the readers of the shocking images they are about to witness, to lessen the distress.

Once witnessing these astounding images, the ape’s mind will no doubt slowly begin the put the pieces together.

Have you ever wondered where all of the old people come from?

Not only the revelation that these people were actually once younger, the apes will now slowly join the dots and realise to their horror, that this ‘ageing’ thing is going to happen (and has indeed already been happening) to them.

It will explain the reason why their faces have slowly began to wrinkle like an old peach. The greying of the hair. The drooping of the skin. It will all begin to make sense.

If the human apes can survive past this next discovery, if they can persevere and come to accept this new fandangled “ageing” thing and If the fabric of their society can hold together in these new enlightening times, then who knows what the race may accomplish?

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

comparison

How to Get Rid of Ants and Influence People

Galfrunk Cover finalArtwork: “How to Get Rid of Ants” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Only the alivest will survive.”  – Dr Dwarbin Charlsitble

On one sunny morning, Galfrunk Zinkel, a young Altairian boy, was sat on the backdoor step watching ants.

He became engrossed with their scurrying back and forth, disappearing down the cracks of the paving stones and busily carrying leafs, twigs and bits of dirt about.

He’d sometimes single out one ant and follow it to discover where it would go. Was there a specific task for this particular ant? He thought. Was it on a reconnaissance mission? Sent out for supplies, perhaps? Was it an important ant, picked by the others for a special assignment or was it merely a common worker?

As the hot Altairian sun blazed down upon the concrete slabs, he studied them intently.

At first, he thought he’d located the area in which the ants were ascending from. However, it soon became clear that there were many different entrances and exits spreading far across the garden patio.

As the dripping ice-cream, which run down his six fingers, fell from his hand and splattered in one mighty dollop by the side of the step, he became alarmed to witness a whole army of ants quickly pounce upon the sweet creamy bounty and pillage the sprinkles.

Somehow he hadn’t noticed how close they had got. They were on his shoes, scuttling all around him. He even found some hiding under his bum!

What if they get into the house? He pondered.

What happened next… totally shocked the young Galfrunk Zinkel.

Of course, he’d seen the tiny ants, constructing small mounds of dirt, presumably brought up from under the paving slabs. What he hadn’t noticed, what had totally escaped his young inquisitive mind, was the complex highways, agricultural areas, miniature cities and radio towers that had popped up.

Should he get his mum? She’d know what to do. The situation was quickly escalating beyond his control.

He flapped his hand out wildly, as a small swarm of flying ants whizzed inches past his nose. What’s more, he could even make out one of them grinning back behind the controls of the tiny helicopter!

The dreadful possibility that these ants could muster a full-on assault and invade the house was now becoming a very real probability.

Maybe one of the ‘special assignment’ ants had found a way into the kitchen. The sweets and cakes would go first, he was sure of it. The ant had probably brought back exact plans on how to reach the second cupboard down from the right.

Galfrunk tried to speak, tried to call out to his mum… but he was frozen, dumbstruck by the rapid turn of events.

A small explosion just left from the clay plant pot was quickly followed by a deafening ping from behind a broken wooden peg. Galfrunk ducked and dived as a succession of a hundred or more missiles zoomed through the air and… came crashing down upon the minute ant cities and infrastructure.

Through the hazy scene, he could make out what seemed to be thousands of ants carrying the sick and injured back down into the smoking cracks.

Should he help? It was impossible… he couldn’t tell one ant from the next and had no idea why they had become so intent on killing each other.

And then it happened. From one corner of the garden to the next, a series of small nuclear warheads fell and detonated upon the landscape – the ants were no-more.

All except that is… one tiny ant that had remained trapped inside of Galfrunk’s sticky fingers.

Today, Galfrunk Zinkel is a prominent diplomat for the Galactic Confederation of Planets.

As part of my role in the scientific observation of Earthlings, I regularly bump into him during conferences at local space-stations and discuss the Earth ape’s progress. He is fascinated by my reports of Earth’s cities, complex highways, agricultural areas, helicopters and radio towers.

He is very interested to learn that Earth also has ants.

Until next time. Keep evolving!

 

The Evolution Will Not be Televised

ETTVArtwork: “ETTV” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“It’s a human eat human world!”  – The Upsilon Orionis Vitameatavegamin Advertising Company

There’s nothing like that feeling when you get home after a hard day’s work, kick off yours shoes, take off your prosthetic head and let your antennae just ping out.

One of my favourite ways to unwind upon this little planet is to stretch out on the sofa and flick through the terrestrial TV channels.

It is interesting to note, that for a long time, citizens of the galaxy had a very simple view of humans.

As a young girl, I was curious about these strange funny monkeys from far, far away. I have fond memories of Saturday mornings in front of the box, bowl of cereal in hand, watching Extra-Terrestrial TV.

I love Lucy and she loves me, we’re as happy as two can be!”

(Most of the earliest shows were from the United States of America, which goes some way to explain why any aliens that can speak Earthling fluently, do so with an American accent.)

In time, Earthlings generated more interest in the wider cosmic community due to the fact that their comical faces, bizarre hairstyles and primitive mannerisms made them perfect for roles in children’s science fiction shows.

In fact, Invaders from Earth remains one of my all-time favourite movies.

However, if you were to watch one of these shows today, you’d be struck by one slight anomaly. You see, all Earthlings are blue.

As far as any real scientific interest, Earthlings were nothing more than a tiny curiosity for a few biologists and a handful of nerds who enjoyed adding simple lifeforms to their online collections.

One of the first transmissions to reach my race was of the 1936 Olympic Games held in Berlin. For those who were responsible for cataloguing interstellar broadcasts, this was just yet another ping in the galactic pool of fuzziness to hit their antennae that day.

The sketchy black and white broadcasts were quickly logged, filed and categorised. Possibly carbon-based lifeforms. Bipeds with green, pink, blueish skin. Appear to be obsessed with jumping around, running and shouting a lot. No sense of humour, ridiculous facial hair, 99.9% chance of already being extinct.

It was a simple mistake that any bored SETI scientist could make considering the vast amount of alien soap operas that hit their satellite dishes on a daily basis – particularly from those races with blue skin.

On Earth, the propensity for prejudice is evident. For example; the young ones are rude, whilst the old ones are racist, the female ones are vulnerable, and the male ones are superior. Although, recently many apes have begun to evolve past this bone-headed primeval idiocy.

The trouble is, still, the apes have a habit of logging, filing and categorising themselves based upon their own prejudices and these are deeply entrenched in their society.

How strange it is that the fictional shows transmitted by earthlings tend to differ from reality.

The television serials and soap operas appear to have evolved since I was a girl. The female apes are no longer portrayed as subordinate to the male ones. The males can now freely display their sensitivities without ridicule and gender neutral characters are slowly beginning to become represented.

However, in contrast, the daily news broadcasts still show the ugly war-mongering, knuckle-dragging, grunting, territorial and barbaric inanity that many in the cosmic community still relate Earth’s apes with.

A lot has changed since I love Lucy… but there is still some way to go.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Earthlings Fail to Deliver

DUMBAPEMAILArtwork: “Dumb Ape Mail” by Poly Dandroid ©

 “I’ll believe that when earthlings fly.” – Officer Syco Moff

Arrrgghh!

Okay, let me try this again…

I-will-type-this-really-slowly-so-that-maybe-just-maybe,-the-bone-headed-Earth-Ape-will-be-able-to-join-the-dots.

Fourteen weeks ago, I found a humourous novelty shot glass which was shaped in the form of a female Earth ape. It would make a fantastic gift, I thought.

Ah, but there was a slight problem. The shop that supplied it was 14.3 miles away.

However, imagine how pleased I was to discover that this shop could deliver the glass to my home. All I had to do was simply complete the online order form and hey presto! It’d arrive at my front door in 5 to 6 working days.

Well, after several weeks had passed, I had noticed that the glass still had not arrived. Where could it possibly be?

Luckily, the shop had supplied a contact email address and so I asked the very same question to them. They promptly responded.

Dear Poly,
Many thanks for your enquiry and apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We did ship the glass but as I’ve now run a track on it I can see that it continues to be held at the depot.

I will despatch a new glass plus a couple of extras to make up for the unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

A further 4 weeks had passed and I had become quite accustomed to the disappointment of returning home from work each day to find that the glass was not there.

I decided to email back.

Dear Poly,
Once again, apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We have contacted the depot and you will receive your items within the next few days.

I have added a complimentary gift voucher as an apology for this unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

Several days later, I was overjoyed! I had received an email stating that the glass was to be delivered tomorrow before 5.00pm.

On returning home, I looked around my front porch for the package, but it was nowhere to be seen. But wait! What’s that?

Sorry we missed you.

We tried to deliver to you today but unfortunately no one was there to accept it. Your package has been returned to our depot. Please see overleaf to arrange a re-delivery.

I tried to arrange a re-delivery date online. But wait… they can only deliver the glass on time and days when I am not in. How inconvenient.

However, there is an option to pick it up from the depot. But wait… the nearest depo is 14.3 miles away – which kind of defeats the whole reason of why I had ordered it online to be delivered. (It is difficult for me to get there, plus the cost of trains, taxis and buses far outstrips the £2.49 that the novelty shot glass actually costs, otherwise I would have just gone to the shop in the first place! Argh!!!)

I tried to call them… but their office is closed. But wait… I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same working hours as mine, and most others.)

Alternatively, I can call the depo direct… but their office is closed too. I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same as mine, and most others.)

So, now I am at work, telephone in hand.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I could not.

Finally, I decided to cancel the order. All’s I had to do was phone the company directly.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I left the phone on loudspeaker as I continued my daily job. After returning from the toilet, I was met by the sound of a dead line. I had missed the call.

So, now, by the great beard of Zog, in one final plea for my sanity… if by chance you happen to be the dumb ape that I am referring to…

Keep your bloody glass!!!

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

The Ascent and Descent of Man

elevator-etiquette-brian-pencilArtwork: “Elevator Etiquette” by Brian Pencil ©

“There’s no polite way of telling someone they’re rude.” – The Grand Old Duke of Boötis

No matter where one looks in the cosmos, things almost always appear to behave differently when observed in teeny tiny spots, to when in really, really big spaces.

The same can be said of Earth apes. I have often observed how the laws, customs and social civilities change in a microcosm, such as a lift*, and how this makes Earthlings feel very, very uncomfortable.

(*These are often referred to as ‘elevators’ in many of Earth’s dreadful movies.)

For anyone considering a visit to Earth, here is a list of things to be aware of if you should find yourself in such an enclosed environment with an ape.

1, Face the doors.

When entering the lift, it is customary to turn and face the doors. If one stands facing the others, smiling and politely nodding, Earthlings become quickly agitated. Their custom does not allow for them to turn to a different direction – which further adds to their discomfort. Some will actually leave on a floor much earlier than intended to escape your beaming face. By the 12th flight, you will be very unpopular.

2, Do not talk.

You may find yourself thinking, I wonder if this ape is getting off at the same floor as me… or wouldn’t it be funny if the lift broke and we had to spend the entire night together… or is it safer to jump or to lie down if the cable should unexpectedly snap? I would strongly recommend that you do not seek the ape’s opinion.

However, it is interesting to note that this law appears to change completely when the number of occupants exceeds two. In this case, it is absolutely acceptable to engage in loud conversation with someone by channelling your chatter through the ears of any obstructing head.

3, Spatial awareness.

There is none. If an ape’s pony tail should whip you several times in the face, the onus is on the face to avoid contact, rather than on the pony tail.

Furthermore, one would assume that it is a common courtesy to regulate one’s breathing when in an enclosed space. However, experience tells a different story. To escape a cheese and onion belch, it is simply good manners to not inhale for the entire journey and hide one’s inner discomfort.

Note; Earthlings do not acknowledge the existence of bodily functions in a lift.

4, Do not make eye contact.

Many lifts on Earth are specially fitted with mirrors so that apes can observe one another when travelling in such close proximity. However, it is recommended that one strictly adheres to the custom of pretending not to use them for this purpose, as to avoid any social indignity.

If uncertain, remain fixed on the back of the lift doors for the duration of the journey.

5, Pressing the buttons.

Do not. This unspoken task is given to the one nearest to the buttons. If you should find yourself in this unfortunate position, it is recommended that telepathy is used to determine an ape’s desired floor or you shall be met with a most abominable frown. Additionally, pressing all of the buttons, no matter how good one’s intentions are, is not advised.

6, Do not exceed other’s maximum capacity.

Apes have great affection for their belongings and believe that these inanimate objects should receive the same rights and privileges as everything else in the universe. Therefore, be prepared to share your feet with trolley wheels, your shoulders with mobile phones, the back of your head with a briefcase, your elbow with a hot polystyrene cup and your buttocks with the pointy bit of an umbrella.

Any intolerance of these objects that you display, is considered highly offensive.

7, Exiting the lift.

One would assume that when a lift door opens, one would wait for the occupants to leave the small box before attempting to gain entrance – this is not the case.

Also, it is apparent that apes are very afraid to momentarily leave the box to allow one trapped in the back to leave. Under no circumstances will they pass the threshold, as they are extremely distrustful of the doors intentions.

Altogether, this makes it very difficult to exit.

After travelling for several hours in the lift, I finally managed to make my escape… by singing, facing in the wrong direction, wafting my pony tail in others faces, belching, staring at others in the mirror and pressing all of the buttons. Immediately, the apes became very accommodating and helped me out of the lift at once.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

Take Me to Your Leader! (Wait, on second thoughts…)

tmtylArtwork: “Take Me to Your Leader!” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“On Earth, common sense is an oxymoron.”  – Emperor Ovaltine

Let’s face it, Earthlings are notoriously bad at selecting their leaders.

Since the turn of the 21st century, Earth has had several opportunities to take steps into the galactic community.

On one such occasion, Golumbus the Unready, an eminent ambassador from Procyon 2, visited the then President of the United States of America (George W Bush) to open discussions for an invitation.

The President, not being educated in galactic race to race conventions, at once swallowed Golumbus, who consequently spent the next few days being passed through the intestinal tract of the President before being finally released.

Golumbus, outraged and deeply offended by this action, subsequently returned to inform his gelatinous race that Earth was off limits!

In more recent times, a delegate of the Pleiades was mistaken for a wasp by Benjamin Netanyahu, a courier from Aldebaran 9 was sat on by Angela Merkal and Vladimir Putin attempted to mate with a missionary from Epsilon Pegasi 8. As for Tony Blair, the Duchess of Sheliak and a spatula … some things are best never mentioned again.

Although, this may not be entirely fair – there have been several instances when Earth has become very close to being accepted into the interstellar society.

Not so long ago, Senator Zirtok and his team opened formal dialogue with one of Earth’s most prominent Presidents. The 72 hour long discussions looked very promising, and an accord was established to integrate Earthlings into the Galactic Federation of Planets. However, at the last minute, it was revealed that the party in question was not in fact a President, but a little known actor by the name of Morgan Freeman. The negotiations were suspended, leaving an extremely apologetic Zirtok to deal with Mr Freeman’s rather irate agent.

Sadly, upon hearing of the recent inauguration of Donald Trump as President, many emissaries of nearby solar systems now refuse to have anything more to do with Earth.

It is not just the misogynistic, racist, homophobic, crass, rude, sexist, arrogant, ignorant, pretentious, feral, pugnacious, cynical, chauvinistic, egotistical, rumbustious, provocative, churlish, deceitful, parochial, xenophobic, bigoted, avaricious, narcissistic and obnoxious characteristics of the elected which the delegates find despicable, but the inconceivable fact that an ape like that could even rise to a position of authority in the first place – which tells the citizens of the galaxy more about the social, economic and cultural inadequacies of the planet rather than of any political inclination.

Maybe, if Earthlings have any hope of progressing to the next stage of advancement in the universe, they should consider building more bridges and less walls.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Once Upon a Time in the Galaxy

clockArtwork: “Once Upon a Time” by Poly Dandroid ©

“She had the time of my life.”  – ALARM 9000

By the time you have read this post, a googolplex of galactic babies will have been born, Mrs Millicent Marjoribanks of Tunbridge Wells will have over-baked her prize raspberry buns, Betelgeuse will have exploded in a spectacular supernova, two thousand briefcases will have missed their trains, an elderly Elnathan will have just remembered something really important that he should’ve done, a kettle will have finally boiled and the sun will have engulfed the planet Earth in an almighty cosmic guff.

…of course, this is all relative to the reader.

Sunil arrived 23 minutes late to work this morning. Tracey was not very happy.

It has become quite apparent to me during my visit to this little planet that Earth’s apes, particularly Tracey, have a slight preoccupation with time.

The eternal tick-tocking of the Earthling’s perpetual calculator adorns every office wall, wrist and mobile phone that I encounter. Humans fanatically base their entire lives around its being. In fact, their blind faith in it appears to take precedence over their own mental wellbeing and happiness.

By mid-morning, Tracey was obviously quite troubled by Sunil’s lateness. I decided to enquire why.

“What if something had happened?” she snapped.

I assured her that it was highly probable that a great number of things would have happened in that 23 minutes. The Universe is like that, it keeps doing things all the time.

“But, it’s what he gets paid for!” she huffed.

I had been under the assumption that he got paid for whatever it was that he was here to do, whether it was in that 23 minutes or some other.

“I mean, what if someone had phoned?” She replied.

“They’d just call back later.” I said.

“But what if it was important?”

“Then, they’d definitely call back.” I said.

I was having some trouble comprehending Tracey’s agitation.

Humans have a very interesting way of monitoring time. Their day is divided into 24 hours, each divided into 60 minutes which are further divided into 60 seconds. To save time, their clocks only have 12 of the hours visible and they just count it twice.

Their mobile phones count up to 24, but the 24th number resets to zero, so they can count it all over again the following day.

What’s more, they also count the amount of times each ape has successfully circumnavigated the sun, and they celebrate this by bringing in cakes for other people to eat.

Also, they count the number of times their planet circumnavigates the sun, and they start this from the day a bearded ape named Jesus first accomplished this very task.

Elsewhere in the galaxy, most intelligent beings lead very relaxing lives due to a complete and utter abandonment of a preoccupation with time – partly, due to the fact that no-one has ever been able to read or comprehend Interstellar Spaceways complex and contradictory timetables.

By lunchtime, Tracey had had enough.

“So, exactly why were you late, Sunil? She growled.

Sunil, clearly embarrassed by the whole affair, finally spoke. “I had to get cakes,” he said, “today’s my birthday.”

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Who’s Next in the Evolutionary Line?

jb11Artwork: “Jelly Babies” by John-Paul Matin © 

“I’m with Earthling.”  – Popular slogan for galactic novelty T-shirts

Let me introduce you to Adam. Adam is a male Earth ape, 5ft 11’’ and has red curly hair. He has a roman nose, puffy eyes, a hunched shoulder and leans slightly to the left. His vocabulary is astonishingly limited and he has myopia.

Recently he stayed in a caravan in mid-Wales with his friends, Gaz, Baz and Naz (Although Naz spent most of the time at the local amusement arcades, and so he hardly saw much of him for the whole time they were there.) Adam would definitely recommend travelling to Wales as, in his opinion; “it is very important to experience different cultures.”

Adam likes playing video games. (Which may explain the puffy eyes and hunched shoulder, but at least the opposable thumbs are not going to waste!) He has recently achieved a personal best score on something to do with killing alien invaders. He really likes a girl named Chantelle, but as of yet, Chantelle has not reciprocated his advances (Presumably, because she does not share a mutual interest in video games about killing invading aliens.)

Adam also likes football. His favourite team has not been very successful this year due to the fact that their manager does not possess the same strategic skills as Adam does. Incidentally, Adam could well have made it as a professional footballer, was it not for his bad knee – which may explain why he leans slightly to the left.

Furthermore, Adam likes to watch box-sets and spent his entire weekend doing nothing but watching TV. He doesn’t understand how anyone would want to waste their time reading a ‘boring’ book when they can just download a complete series – ‘Innit?’

So how did I come to know so much about Adam?

Well, today is my sister-in-law’s birthday and as such I thought it would be nice to send her a packet of Jelly Babies, as the like are unheard of in the Alkaidian star system. I found the aforementioned Jelly Babies, opened my purse and found the suitable coins for payment as I patiently queued. A very simple task.

First in line was a female ape who possessed a set of extraordinary eyebrows that were obvious replacements for her natural ones. The connection between the eyebrows and the time to be served appeared to have no correlation at first, but after a few minutes, it became clear that this form of human was unable to grasp the simple premise that one takes items to the counter before joining the queue. Obviously, this was not as she had surmised – which apparently was to wait until one gets to the front before becoming startled by the cashier’s rude and impatient request for any indication of what she may actually want. Hence, the eyebrows.

After several more minutes and now quizzing the cashier on the range of merchandise available, she becomes visibly agitated at having to settle for something she doesn’t know if she really wants at all. Distraught by the experience, she finally leaves the store and the queue takes one step forward.

Well, almost all the queue. All accept the next in line. This ape has forgotten where he is and after a few failed attempts by the cashier to alert him to the fact that he is waiting in a queue, another queue member and the cashier exchange a friendly telepathic agreement to commence without him. Somehow, this telepathic incivility awakens the ignorant ape who is in a state of disbelief that someone should be as so rude to attempt to push in, when he was clearly first!

The third to be served makes none of the previous mistakes. On approaching the counter she has already selected her items and kept alert as when to be served. However, she has made one slight error. During the queueing she has forgotten to get her money ready. Now an attempt to find the correct change has baffled her into a nightmarish 320 second challenge.

Next in line is an elderly ape. This ape has totally misinterpreted the cashier’s friendly customer service manner as keen interest into her daughter’s affairs, grandchildren (all seven of them), faulty boiler and friend, Mavis, who has been waiting over three weeks now for an operation. She has also mistaken the cashier’s congeniality for an invitation to demonstrate her vast general knowledge of the town’s former geography.

I was quite startled to witness one balding ape, who on entering the store, seemed aggrieved that I was in a queue. Whilst he huffed and puffed into his mobile phone and then attempted to demonstrate to the queue that he had a wristwatch and therefore time was very important to him, I decided to assure him that my intentions were purely as a consumer and I showed him my Jelly Babies.

Next, tanned ape with wrong currency.

Next, seventeen unchecked lottery tickets. Loser.

Next, an ape in the wrong queue.

Next, Daz.

Daz is friends with the cashier – Oh, who incidentally, is named Adam. Yes, the very same Adam as previously mentioned at the beginning of this post. It had been a while since they had last seen each other.

By the time I had been served, the Jelly Babies had become squished and congealed together. Next year my sister-in-law will get vouchers.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!