The Kissing Link

VALENTINESArtwork: “Valentine” by Poly Dandroid ©

 

“Rasalgethians are Red

Veganese are Blue

Earthlings are stupid

And belong in a Zoo”

 – Count Zinfandel the Sixteenth

 

Whilst I stood waiting with a troop of apes at the bus stop this morning, a young couple were partaking in a sexual bonding display common to Earthlings (known colloquially as ‘Snogging’). The grunting apes that surrounded me appeared uneasy and made great effort to display signals to one another that ogling the couple was the very thing they were not doing. I stood and watched the young couple’s display with intrigue.

It reminded me of an avian species from Regor 9. As you make your way around the busy post-industrial forests of Regor you can observe many Regorians pecking at one another’s beaks whilst rapidly lashing their small stumpy tongues in and out of each other’s mouths.

This peculiar behaviour originates in the early times of the Regorians when the mothers would find and swallow food to regurgitate back into the eager open mouths of their hungry nestlings. This early intimacy helped create a special bond between parent and child.

When the adolescent Regorian becomes of age and seeks a sexual bond, they re-enact this primal intimacy without much thought of its origin.

This odd act can be witnessed with many of the galaxy’s other feral apes too. For example, red-spotted apes of Nembus can also be seen exchanging copious amounts of saliva with other red-spotted apes of Nembus when reaching the age of sexual maturity. (N.B. This is not to be confused with the social mouth grooming practice performed by the balding apes of Azelfafage, in which this ‘kissing’ function is done solely as an effective means to dislodge chewed nuts and berries from each other’s mouths for hygienic purposes.)

What makes the Earth apes’ display of re-enacted mastication even more bizarre is the fact that their lips are inside out – this amusing trait (along with the rather awkward embrace by their two long front drooping legs) adds a certain comical element to the whole exhibition!

It is also worth taking note that the act of laughing uncontrollably at a young couple whilst they perform this display can be of great embarrassment to them. As a result, they spent the preceding bus journey making great effort to display signals to the other apes that this was not the case.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Advertisements

Invaders from Earth

INVADERS FROM EARTH MOVIE POSTERArtwork: “Invaders from Earth Promotional Poster” – Cosmic Domain

 “You can usually quote anyone about anything, but don’t quote me on that.”

 – General Lee Sed

You may be familiar with a certain classic movie in which an alien race invades a planet.

The story begins with several large alien cylinders raining down upon the planet. The aliens clumsily stumble out of the cylinders, grunt at the locals and then quickly retreat into their tripods to help them get about. Once inside their fighting machines, they begin to blast everywhere in sight with their heat rays.

As the story unfolds, we follow a doctor of the planet. As her husband is kidnapped by the aliens, she chases them around the countryside where she witnesses their total destruction of the planet’s towns, retail parks and cities.

Meanwhile, a youngster observes through his telescope one of the alien cylinders crash down into a nearby sandpit. His father investigates the crash site and returns as an idiot. Pretty soon, all of the townsfolk are acting in this unusual manner. The young boy encounters the doctor and together they futilely attempt to inform the locals that they are under the influence of the invading aliens.

Throughout the story, the aliens’ strange behaviour is observed in more detail. The aliens often release a pungent guff, litter the planet and gobble up the inhabitants. The local army have some success in attacking the tripods. However, it soon becomes clear that a full planetary evacuation is required.

The story concludes with the alien invaders catching a cold and subsequently dying out relatively soon after that.

If you hadn’t guessed yet, I am of course referring to the classic movie – Invaders from Earth.

So what an irony, that I myself am now afflicted by an Earth virus, passed onto me from some sniffling ape!

As I lie here in my bed, reduced to a snotty rag of whinging bones and swaddled in a feverish duvet, I contemplate the incredulous scepticism with which Earthlings regard such a viral vandal in their society.

The act of having to notify your place of work that you are inflicted with a deadly virus is an exasperating one.

Firstly, it is required that you actually speak to an ape via a telephone to prove that you are in fact sick and not lying.

It is at this crucial moment, when the ape answers the phone, which you will feel yourself at the peak of physical fitness and suddenly present a perky and positive tone. However, many experienced apes will have evolved to disguise this situation by employing a series of complex social processes.

Let me explain. Firstly, it is wise to adapt a slow serious tone of voice with sharp intermittent sniffs to give the impression that one is very ill indeed. By imitating an idiot, the ape can successfully give the impression that their faculties are indeed extremely diminished as a result of the sickness.

Secondly, many apes will employ several props to help make this more convincing. For example, by shoving tissue paper up each nostril, the caller will give the effect that they are heavily congested.

Additional coughs, snorts, sniffles and throat-clearing noises, will signal to the receiver that the caller is afflicted with a very strong cold. (Note: Remember that it is only audible signals that are of any effect. Any visual displays will be ignored.)

At this stage it is important that you do not give any indication that you will be virus-free anytime soon. It is well worth planning your sickness for at least one week. However, the receiver will be quick to inform you that after 7 day’s absence you will require a note from your doctor to confirm that you are not lying.

Once this deed is done, you can rest assured for the remainder of your absence, that your work colleagues will be very aggrieved that you have left them additional work to do. It is therefore very important that you find time to promote your illness on any social media sites.

For example; “I wish I wasn’t so ill. When will this awful infliction end? I am not enjoying being away from work at all!” …or something to that effect.

(Remember, many Earth apes have a sense of great pride in the fact that they can manage to associate with others whilst suffering from a contagious virus and therefore expect the same of others – no matter how much they may spread and assist the virus in evolving.)

After finally undertaking these demeaning social tasks, you are free to clamber into your bed and attempt not to die.

It is courteous to email your manager towards the end of the week with a message that you are beginning to feel a lot better and that you expect to be in on Friday. This will ensure that your troop of apes have sufficient time to demonstrate a concern for your health and enquire into why didn’t you take longer off, so you could recuperate?

At least I got to stay in bed and watch Invaders from Earth again. Only this time, I am now a little more sympathetic to the Earthlings.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

The Survival of the Thickest

TIDE POD DINNERArtwork: “Tide Pod Dinner” by Poly Dandroid ©

“How do you know if you are stupid?”  – Emperor Napoleon Trio

An Alcorian takes on average 49 years to mature to adulthood. The age of consent on Alcor B is 51 and they are able to vote by the time they reach 55.

This evolutionary trade off means that Alcorians are able to continue to mature long after leaving the womb, which enables their brains and bodies to continue to develop and grow after they are born. This accounts for why the average Alcorian has a head circumference of an impressive 152 centimetres by the time they reach full maturity.

Conversely, a Polluxan is born fully mature and is able to complete several social and rudimentary tasks upon birth. In fact, they plan and schedule their own birth dates far in advance so as not to cause their mother any social inconvenience.

Humans belong to the former.

However, it is debatable whether they actually reach any form of maturity at all.

Browse the ape’s internet and it becomes clear that the human race has reached an evolutionary u-bend.

Over thousands of years of figuring out how not to be eaten by the animals, side-stepping spewing volcanoes, recovering from snotty pandemics and avoiding the red berries, the modern ape now faces its own stupidity in the face…and gets a slap.

For example, hundreds of videos show bone-headed apes finding great heights to climb and then fall from. This behaviour is then mimicked as other Earth apes attempt more and more extreme ways in which to kill themselves.

Earthlings rise to the challenge of their stupidity. It is not uncommon to witness many semi-evolved sperms wandering about in their trainers with a tide pod placed in their mouths. Some dowse themselves in flammable liquids, set them aflame and video it for others to frantically like and share.

Gangly dives, skateboard castration, suicidal selfies and corn on the cob power drills are all further examples of this peculiar behaviour.

Strangely, some of the videos were interrupted by an advert that willingly encouraged any dumb apes that’d recently been in an accident due to their own stupidity, to seek compensation from other apes for not adequately putting in place protective procedures to prevent the said stupidity.

Look for something more mentally stimulating, and you may chance upon an intriguing television programme in which several apes have decided to stay in a house together and undertake degrading tasks as to get attention from their peers.

The contestants are locked in a house and continuously recorded. As they compete for attention, they are prone to tantrums and fits as they struggle to articulate their points of view. The apes viewing from their sofas tremendously enjoy this.

And this is the problem. It appears that it is becoming increasingly popular to be stupid.

In fact, there is no barrier to one’s stupidity and it is applauded vigorously by a whole flange of whooping apes. Anyone can freely express their ignorance; presidents, politicians, news correspondents, radio DJs, religious leaders and pop stars all revel in the fame that their idiocracy brings.

On the majority of the planets in the galaxy, the stupid gene has all but become obsolete. On Earth, it breeds with tremendous vigour.

Intelligence is rejected. There is no need for a fact to get in the way of an opinion and ‘experts’ are frowned upon.

Earth is in the throes of a great stupidity epidemic. Stupidity is self-selecting. Stupidity is a great sexy behind, ready to be humped. Stupidity breeds stupidity.

What a strange world, in which immaturity and stupidity are celebrated, rewarded and perceived as entertainment.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

This Cup of Coffee Almost Broke the Internet!

COSMICArtwork: “Cosmic Coffee” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“The longer you hold onto your anger, the colder your coffee goes.”  – Sir Antimony Thrice; CEO of Cosmic Coffee™

There’s nothing like that feeling of being hit full on in the face by a lamp post to make you realise that there is something very wrong with the world in which you find yourself.

This morning, I gulped down this very same feeling with the help of an oversized (and overpriced) paper cup of crappy coffee and continued to stare at the troop of office apes as they grunted, whooped, cursed and physically assaulted their PCs.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I really do. It’s just the fact that they are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Take for example the artificial Baristas on Starbase 12 in the Procyon system. They serve the daily melange of evolutionary spawned bacteria, that slip through the revolving metal post-box of a station, with the same sensitivity and reliance of a Poundland portable kettle.

This frequently causes many highly developed and civilised bacteria to become quite agitated, which in turn leads to the total obliteration of the Barista.

It’s not the waiting around for the mechanically inept arms to pull out the correct sized paper cup that winds up the travellers, nor is it down to the pre-programmable consumer-needy drivel that gnaws at the brain of the biological amalgamates. It is not even the pigeon-headed anticipation of attempting the decipher the correct etiquette to pay to a tin can drongo which finally devolves every sophisticated snot bubble of DNA to a raging toad.

It’s the startling realisation that you have put yourself through this entire rigmarole for nothing but a paper cup of crappy coffee and once more cheated yourself of your own intelligence in doing so.

This is why Cosmic Coffee™ is so popular throughout the galaxy. Its company allows and enables lifeforms to feel the satisfying pleasure of beating a socially malfunctioning maladroit android to death before carrying on with their lives, at no added cost.

So, what’s the earthling’s excuse?

What possible pleasure can the dumb apes derive from watching the spinning wheel of death count away a few more miserable seconds of from their pointless short lives?

Is it the pending euphoria of once again being granted access to a stuck-up jobsworth of a spreadsheet? Perhaps it’s the rush of dopamine induced by a self-affirming response from a pinging email. Or maybe it’s the inclusive thumbs up from one of the internet’s many anti-social apps which hands them the wet dream of acceptance into the older kid’s group at school, and adds an overwhelming stain of purpose to their day.

Minutes later, the Wi-Fi signal was re-established and the programmes began to slowly respond to the boneheaded apes’ miserable grunts once more – It was worth noting that none of the previous thuggery upon the machines had had any significant impact upon their mental well-being.

I received an email this afternoon. The manager wants me to explain why the coffee machine on the 2nd floor has been smashed into a million pieces. I want him to explain to me why it’s taken until now to happen.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes October 2017

bertpoliticsArtwork: “Politics” by BERT the Artificially Intelligent Philosopher ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to October’s winners who each win a 20% off your final bill (Excluding drinks) at any one of the galaxy’s Admiral Atom Burger Bars. Simply quote Poly0201 when booking. The winning entries are;

  • ‘Internet page taking too long to download? Simply do something else instead!’ – by Captain Zap; Space Renegade, as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
  • ‘Time travellers, avoid unnecessary drama in your life by only travelling forwards through time.’ – by Craig the friendly vacuum cleaner of CyberWorld Industries Ltd as provided by Gibson J Adams
  • ‘When travelling, hide valuables inside a pot of Pot Noodle to keep them safe.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin
  • ‘To tell if a person is romantically interested in you, observe in which direction their antennae are pointing. If towards you, then you are in luck! If away, better luck next time!’ – Attributed to Captain Polo of the Millennium Pigeon as provided by Gibson J Adams
  • ‘Don’t have a safe? Place your treasured belongings in a hollowed out copy of Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code to guarantee that no one finds them.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 14th February 2018

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Retching Death of a Broken Honky-Tonk Piano

Earth Ape MusicArtwork: “Earth Ape Music” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Taste is Subjective. The problem is, is that you have none to begin with.”  – Sir Austin Metro

(Somewhere on planet Earth)

Me: Hey you…wait!

Ape: Who me?

Me: Yes. Yes. (out of breath)

Ape: What’s up?

Me: Excuse me. I don’t usually do this…but

Ape: But what?

Me: It’s just… It’s just that, that music you’re playing right now.

Ape: Yep. What about it?

Me: Well… It’s just that I’ve never heard anything as amazing as that in my entire life!

Ape: Yeh? (dumb smirk)

Me: Yeh! Well, I mean… you must be some awesome musical genius or something. Are you a record producer? I mean… how cool are you?

Ape: Yeh. (false modesty) Well, you know.

Me: I do now! I mean… wow! You just HAVE to give me a copy of that music!

Ape: Sure. It’s some rapper or other.

Me: Thank you so much! I will have to get all of my friends to listen to it… it will change their lives forever – just as you have changed mine. Thank you so, so much!

N.B. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

Maybe you can now put in your ear phones, close your car windows and turn down your stereos. Nobody wants to hear your s**t music, we all have far better taste than you anyway!

Message delivered.

 

Until next time. Keep evolving!

 

 

Fun Fact: Crap Music on Earth is pronounced with a silent C.

What This Human Ape Looks Like Now Will Leave You Speechless!

HumanlookslikeArtwork: “Age” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

“If I stop counting the number of times I revolve around the sun, will I still be eligible for my pension.”  – FAQ, Galactic Retirement Agency

Approximately two hundred thousand years ago, a grunting ape sat under the canopy of the celestial night sky and opened its eyes for the first time. Grasping two medium sized rocks… it began to bang them together.

This was the beginning of the modern Earth ape.

From that point onward the apes developed more and more sophisticated conceptions such as the wheel, the spear, metallurgy and farming.

They awoke to the great dawn of civilisation, yawned, stretched and then began to contemplate their own existence and the world in which they found themselves.

Science, politics, engineering and philosophy developed within their bony skulls and together they rapidly began to ascend the ladder of evolution.

The wheel of the ape’s development was now set in motion. The automobile, sliced bread, liberty, HD TV, the Bunsen burner, rocket ships, pocket calculators, particle accelerators, vaccines, refrigerators, democracy, pizza, sun-cream, the electric guitar, windmills, treadmills, chess, light bulbs, equality, emojis, toothpaste, fibre-optic broadband, Low fat yoghurt, human rights legislation, quantum mechanics, conservation and satellite navigation.

So what’s next? What unimaginable concept is the human race about to discover?

By looking through the planetary internet, a clue to the next level of enlightenment appears – the humans are about to grasp the concept of ageing.

Every day, links to important stories alerting people to the fact that a once well-known celebrity has changed in appearance from how they looked 20 to 30 years ago are hurriedly sent out to the public.

The journalist, honourably fights daily to make sure the human population is aware of this mind-boggling and stunning news and scamper to send this important information out to the masses. And there are hundreds, if not thousands, of celebrities that have aged since 20 years ago.

Unbeknownst to most of the planet, there are even images of celebrities from 30 years ago who have aged by a remarkable 30 years since!

However, the authors of these stories are quick to warn the readers of the shocking images they are about to witness, to lessen the distress.

Once witnessing these astounding images, the ape’s mind will no doubt slowly begin the put the pieces together.

Have you ever wondered where all of the old people come from?

Not only the revelation that these people were actually once younger, the apes will now slowly join the dots and realise to their horror, that this ‘ageing’ thing is going to happen (and has indeed already been happening) to them.

It will explain the reason why their faces have slowly began to wrinkle like an old peach. The greying of the hair. The drooping of the skin. It will all begin to make sense.

If the human apes can survive past this next discovery, if they can persevere and come to accept this new fandangled “ageing” thing and If the fabric of their society can hold together in these new enlightening times, then who knows what the race may accomplish?

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

comparison

How to Get Rid of Ants and Influence People

Galfrunk Cover finalArtwork: “How to Get Rid of Ants” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Only the alivest will survive.”  – Dr Dwarbin Charlsitble

On one sunny morning, Galfrunk Zinkel, a young Altairian boy, was sat on the backdoor step watching ants.

He became engrossed with their scurrying back and forth, disappearing down the cracks of the paving stones and busily carrying leafs, twigs and bits of dirt about.

He’d sometimes single out one ant and follow it to discover where it would go. Was there a specific task for this particular ant? He thought. Was it on a reconnaissance mission? Sent out for supplies, perhaps? Was it an important ant, picked by the others for a special assignment or was it merely a common worker?

As the hot Altairian sun blazed down upon the concrete slabs, he studied them intently.

At first, he thought he’d located the area in which the ants were ascending from. However, it soon became clear that there were many different entrances and exits spreading far across the garden patio.

As the dripping ice-cream, which run down his six fingers, fell from his hand and splattered in one mighty dollop by the side of the step, he became alarmed to witness a whole army of ants quickly pounce upon the sweet creamy bounty and pillage the sprinkles.

Somehow he hadn’t noticed how close they had got. They were on his shoes, scuttling all around him. He even found some hiding under his bum!

What if they get into the house? He pondered.

What happened next… totally shocked the young Galfrunk Zinkel.

Of course, he’d seen the tiny ants, constructing small mounds of dirt, presumably brought up from under the paving slabs. What he hadn’t noticed, what had totally escaped his young inquisitive mind, was the complex highways, agricultural areas, miniature cities and radio towers that had popped up.

Should he get his mum? She’d know what to do. The situation was quickly escalating beyond his control.

He flapped his hand out wildly, as a small swarm of flying ants whizzed inches past his nose. What’s more, he could even make out one of them grinning back behind the controls of the tiny helicopter!

The dreadful possibility that these ants could muster a full-on assault and invade the house was now becoming a very real probability.

Maybe one of the ‘special assignment’ ants had found a way into the kitchen. The sweets and cakes would go first, he was sure of it. The ant had probably brought back exact plans on how to reach the second cupboard down from the right.

Galfrunk tried to speak, tried to call out to his mum… but he was frozen, dumbstruck by the rapid turn of events.

A small explosion just left from the clay plant pot was quickly followed by a deafening ping from behind a broken wooden peg. Galfrunk ducked and dived as a succession of a hundred or more missiles zoomed through the air and… came crashing down upon the minute ant cities and infrastructure.

Through the hazy scene, he could make out what seemed to be thousands of ants carrying the sick and injured back down into the smoking cracks.

Should he help? It was impossible… he couldn’t tell one ant from the next and had no idea why they had become so intent on killing each other.

And then it happened. From one corner of the garden to the next, a series of small nuclear warheads fell and detonated upon the landscape – the ants were no-more.

All except that is… one tiny ant that had remained trapped inside of Galfrunk’s sticky fingers.

Today, Galfrunk Zinkel is a prominent diplomat for the Galactic Confederation of Planets.

As part of my role in the scientific observation of Earthlings, I regularly bump into him during conferences at local space-stations and discuss the Earth ape’s progress. He is fascinated by my reports of Earth’s cities, complex highways, agricultural areas, helicopters and radio towers.

He is very interested to learn that Earth also has ants.

Until next time. Keep evolving!

 

The Evolution Will Not be Televised

ETTVArtwork: “ETTV” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“It’s a human eat human world!”  – The Upsilon Orionis Vitameatavegamin Advertising Company

There’s nothing like that feeling when you get home after a hard day’s work, kick off yours shoes, take off your prosthetic head and let your antennae just ping out.

One of my favourite ways to unwind upon this little planet is to stretch out on the sofa and flick through the terrestrial TV channels.

It is interesting to note, that for a long time, citizens of the galaxy had a very simple view of humans.

As a young girl, I was curious about these strange funny monkeys from far, far away. I have fond memories of Saturday mornings in front of the box, bowl of cereal in hand, watching Extra-Terrestrial TV.

I love Lucy and she loves me, we’re as happy as two can be!”

(Most of the earliest shows were from the United States of America, which goes some way to explain why any aliens that can speak Earthling fluently, do so with an American accent.)

In time, Earthlings generated more interest in the wider cosmic community due to the fact that their comical faces, bizarre hairstyles and primitive mannerisms made them perfect for roles in children’s science fiction shows.

In fact, Invaders from Earth remains one of my all-time favourite movies.

However, if you were to watch one of these shows today, you’d be struck by one slight anomaly. You see, all Earthlings are blue.

As far as any real scientific interest, Earthlings were nothing more than a tiny curiosity for a few biologists and a handful of nerds who enjoyed adding simple lifeforms to their online collections.

One of the first transmissions to reach my race was of the 1936 Olympic Games held in Berlin. For those who were responsible for cataloguing interstellar broadcasts, this was just yet another ping in the galactic pool of fuzziness to hit their antennae that day.

The sketchy black and white broadcasts were quickly logged, filed and categorised. Possibly carbon-based lifeforms. Bipeds with green, pink, blueish skin. Appear to be obsessed with jumping around, running and shouting a lot. No sense of humour, ridiculous facial hair, 99.9% chance of already being extinct.

It was a simple mistake that any bored SETI scientist could make considering the vast amount of alien soap operas that hit their satellite dishes on a daily basis – particularly from those races with blue skin.

On Earth, the propensity for prejudice is evident. For example; the young ones are rude, whilst the old ones are racist, the female ones are vulnerable, and the male ones are superior. Although, recently many apes have begun to evolve past this bone-headed primeval idiocy.

The trouble is, still, the apes have a habit of logging, filing and categorising themselves based upon their own prejudices and these are deeply entrenched in their society.

How strange it is that the fictional shows transmitted by earthlings tend to differ from reality.

The television serials and soap operas appear to have evolved since I was a girl. The female apes are no longer portrayed as subordinate to the male ones. The males can now freely display their sensitivities without ridicule and gender neutral characters are slowly beginning to become represented.

However, in contrast, the daily news broadcasts still show the ugly war-mongering, knuckle-dragging, grunting, territorial and barbaric inanity that many in the cosmic community still relate Earth’s apes with.

A lot has changed since I love Lucy… but there is still some way to go.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Earthlings Fail to Deliver

DUMBAPEMAILArtwork: “Dumb Ape Mail” by Poly Dandroid ©

 “I’ll believe that when earthlings fly.” – Officer Syco Moff

Arrrgghh!

Okay, let me try this again…

I-will-type-this-really-slowly-so-that-maybe-just-maybe,-the-bone-headed-Earth-Ape-will-be-able-to-join-the-dots.

Fourteen weeks ago, I found a humourous novelty shot glass which was shaped in the form of a female Earth ape. It would make a fantastic gift, I thought.

Ah, but there was a slight problem. The shop that supplied it was 14.3 miles away.

However, imagine how pleased I was to discover that this shop could deliver the glass to my home. All I had to do was simply complete the online order form and hey presto! It’d arrive at my front door in 5 to 6 working days.

Well, after several weeks had passed, I had noticed that the glass still had not arrived. Where could it possibly be?

Luckily, the shop had supplied a contact email address and so I asked the very same question to them. They promptly responded.

Dear Poly,
Many thanks for your enquiry and apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We did ship the glass but as I’ve now run a track on it I can see that it continues to be held at the depot.

I will despatch a new glass plus a couple of extras to make up for the unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

A further 4 weeks had passed and I had become quite accustomed to the disappointment of returning home from work each day to find that the glass was not there.

I decided to email back.

Dear Poly,
Once again, apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We have contacted the depot and you will receive your items within the next few days.

I have added a complimentary gift voucher as an apology for this unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

Several days later, I was overjoyed! I had received an email stating that the glass was to be delivered tomorrow before 5.00pm.

On returning home, I looked around my front porch for the package, but it was nowhere to be seen. But wait! What’s that?

Sorry we missed you.

We tried to deliver to you today but unfortunately no one was there to accept it. Your package has been returned to our depot. Please see overleaf to arrange a re-delivery.

I tried to arrange a re-delivery date online. But wait… they can only deliver the glass on time and days when I am not in. How inconvenient.

However, there is an option to pick it up from the depot. But wait… the nearest depo is 14.3 miles away – which kind of defeats the whole reason of why I had ordered it online to be delivered. (It is difficult for me to get there, plus the cost of trains, taxis and buses far outstrips the £2.49 that the novelty shot glass actually costs, otherwise I would have just gone to the shop in the first place! Argh!!!)

I tried to call them… but their office is closed. But wait… I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same working hours as mine, and most others.)

Alternatively, I can call the depo direct… but their office is closed too. I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same as mine, and most others.)

So, now I am at work, telephone in hand.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I could not.

Finally, I decided to cancel the order. All’s I had to do was phone the company directly.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I left the phone on loudspeaker as I continued my daily job. After returning from the toilet, I was met by the sound of a dead line. I had missed the call.

So, now, by the great beard of Zog, in one final plea for my sanity… if by chance you happen to be the dumb ape that I am referring to…

Keep your bloody glass!!!

 

Until next time, keep evolving!