How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes June 2016

EMWTELEPATHICHATArtwork: “Telepathic Hat” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, Lets investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

  • ‘The greatest races are without finish lines.’ – Princess DeLorean of Regulus Prime as provided by Donald Pidory
  • ‘Try not to eat the animals.’ – Reepurt Higglewipp of Bellatrix 9 as provided by Trudy Utterly
  • ‘Get out and see the solar systems.’ Xanadu Moonhopper as provided by Elvis Detox Devilmonkey
  • ‘You better shut the curtain if you’re not quite certain!’ The Shady Shakers Theatre Company Logo as provided by Rachel Irvin
  • ‘Some moments don’t require a camera.’ Captain Ray Starbeam of the Starship Astra as provided by J R Hampton

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

 

 

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

Have a Crap Day

Have a crap dayArtwork: “Crap Day” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

A good lie is wasted on an idiot.” – Commodore Omiga

The dark rings around my eyes are the result of having a brain that has spent the entire night wittering on about changing electricity suppliers, creating scenarios involving me saving my work colleagues from a hostage situation, rehearsing excuses for not attending Verity’s daughter’s birthday slumber party and determinedly compiling lists of in which order I am going to do all of these things when I wake up.

Furthermore, the same brain has let me down this morning whilst I scampered around the house trying to recall where I left my keys, spat toothpaste down my clothes, put the coffee in the fridge, tripped over my own feet, put my pants on back to front and pushed a door that I should have pulled.

I arrived at work with a face which resembled one that had just been hit by a tennis ball and hair that could be mistaken for a tumbleweed.

It was at this very point that the gormless office ape, Tiffany, delivered the spark that finally made my head explode – “Are you okay?”

On Antares 4, it is highly unorthodox and considered extremely rude to ask somebody if they are okay – when it is obvious that they are not.

Antareans learnt long ago that one of the natural conditions of existing in this universe, is that once in a while, you’ll feel a little bit irked by it.

In fact, their culture has evolved to accept and embrace it in all its forms. On the 200th galactic day, every galactic year, they celebrate Anterean Crap Day. (6th June on Earth)

On Crap day, every Anterean joins in the festivities of telling others to piss off.

Spouses actively engage in traditional arguments over loo seats, in-laws and in which place the ketchup belongs. (F.Y.I. it’s in the cupboard, NOT the fridge!)

Employees and employers insult each other with suggestions of in which orifice they can insert different items of stationery. Best friends share lists of which of their bad habits irritate them the most and families get together to throw crockery at walls, pull faces and slam doors.

Antareans take their entitlement very seriously and, as this is a symptom of living in the universe itself, do not require an explanation for their problems.

In fact, as no one needs to be offended by others problems and acceptance is in full, the race is one of the most relaxed species in the entire cosmos.

Having a problem with the universe is a wonderful thing and something to be embraced. So next time someone asks you if you are okay, when you clearly are not, remember, it’s your problem, not theirs, and you are entitled to it!

Tiffany and I commenced to celebrate the occasion in full. I threw my stapler at her, she stuck her tongue out at me. I copied managers into emails which described her failings, she loudly commented on how long I’d spent on my break. Additionally, I lingered around the toilets when it was clear that she needed to defecate, whilst she ate the last of the chocolate bourbons. In fact, by lunchtime I had begun to speculate that she may have actually celebrated this before.

So, to all of you apes out there – I sincerely hope you have a crap day!

Until next time, keep evolving!