The Ascent and Descent of Man

elevator-etiquette-brian-pencilArtwork: “Elevator Etiquette” by Brian Pencil ©

“There’s no polite way of telling someone they’re rude.” – The Grand Old Duke of Boötis

No matter where one looks in the cosmos, things almost always appear to behave differently when observed in teeny tiny spots, to when in really, really big spaces.

The same can be said of Earth apes. I have often observed how the laws, customs and social civilities change in a microcosm, such as a lift*, and how this makes Earthlings feel very, very uncomfortable.

(*These are often referred to as ‘elevators’ in many of Earth’s dreadful movies.)

For anyone considering a visit to Earth, here is a list of things to be aware of if you should find yourself in such an enclosed environment with an ape.

1, Face the doors.

When entering the lift, it is customary to turn and face the doors. If one stands facing the others, smiling and politely nodding, Earthlings become quickly agitated. Their custom does not allow for them to turn to a different direction – which further adds to their discomfort. Some will actually leave on a floor much earlier than intended to escape your beaming face. By the 12th flight, you will be very unpopular.

2, Do not talk.

You may find yourself thinking, I wonder if this ape is getting off at the same floor as me… or wouldn’t it be funny if the lift broke and we had to spend the entire night together… or is it safer to jump or to lie down if the cable should unexpectedly snap? I would strongly recommend that you do not seek the ape’s opinion.

However, it is interesting to note that this law appears to change completely when the number of occupants exceeds two. In this case, it is absolutely acceptable to engage in loud conversation with someone by channelling your chatter through the ears of any obstructing head.

3, Spatial awareness.

There is none. If an ape’s pony tail should whip you several times in the face, the onus is on the face to avoid contact, rather than on the pony tail.

Furthermore, one would assume that it is a common courtesy to regulate one’s breathing when in an enclosed space. However, experience tells a different story. To escape a cheese and onion belch, it is simply good manners to not inhale for the entire journey and hide one’s inner discomfort.

Note; Earthlings do not acknowledge the existence of bodily functions in a lift.

4, Do not make eye contact.

Many lifts on Earth are specially fitted with mirrors so that apes can observe one another when travelling in such close proximity. However, it is recommended that one strictly adheres to the custom of pretending not to use them for this purpose, as to avoid any social indignity.

If uncertain, remain fixed on the back of the lift doors for the duration of the journey.

5, Pressing the buttons.

Do not. This unspoken task is given to the one nearest to the buttons. If you should find yourself in this unfortunate position, it is recommended that telepathy is used to determine an ape’s desired floor or you shall be met with a most abominable frown. Additionally, pressing all of the buttons, no matter how good one’s intentions are, is not advised.

6, Do not exceed other’s maximum capacity.

Apes have great affection for their belongings and believe that these inanimate objects should receive the same rights and privileges as everything else in the universe. Therefore, be prepared to share your feet with trolley wheels, your shoulders with mobile phones, the back of your head with a briefcase, your elbow with a hot polystyrene cup and your buttocks with the pointy bit of an umbrella.

Any intolerance of these objects that you display, is considered highly offensive.

7, Exiting the lift.

One would assume that when a lift door opens, one would wait for the occupants to leave the small box before attempting to gain entrance – this is not the case.

Also, it is apparent that apes are very afraid to momentarily leave the box to allow one trapped in the back to leave. Under no circumstances will they pass the threshold, as they are extremely distrustful of the doors intentions.

Altogether, this makes it very difficult to exit.

After travelling for several hours in the lift, I finally managed to make my escape… by singing, facing in the wrong direction, wafting my pony tail in others faces, belching, staring at others in the mirror and pressing all of the buttons. Immediately, the apes became very accommodating and helped me out of the lift at once.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

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Take Me to Your Leader! (Wait, on second thoughts…)

tmtylArtwork: “Take Me to Your Leader!” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“On Earth, common sense is an oxymoron.”  – Emperor Ovaltine

Let’s face it, Earthlings are notoriously bad at selecting their leaders.

Since the turn of the 21st century, Earth has had several opportunities to take steps into the galactic community.

On one such occasion, Golumbus the Unready, an eminent ambassador from Procyon 2, visited the then President of the United States of America (George W Bush) to open discussions for an invitation.

The President, not being educated in galactic race to race conventions, at once swallowed Golumbus, who consequently spent the next few days being passed through the intestinal tract of the President before being finally released.

Golumbus, outraged and deeply offended by this action, subsequently returned to inform his gelatinous race that Earth was off limits!

In more recent times, a delegate of the Pleiades was mistaken for a wasp by Benjamin Netanyahu, a courier from Aldebaran 9 was sat on by Angela Merkal and Vladimir Putin attempted to mate with a missionary from Epsilon Pegasi 8. As for Tony Blair, the Duchess of Sheliak and a spatula … some things are best never mentioned again.

Although, this may not be entirely fair – there have been several instances when Earth has become very close to being accepted into the interstellar society.

Not so long ago, Senator Zirtok and his team opened formal dialogue with one of Earth’s most prominent Presidents. The 72 hour long discussions looked very promising, and an accord was established to integrate Earthlings into the Galactic Federation of Planets. However, at the last minute, it was revealed that the party in question was not in fact a President, but a little known actor by the name of Morgan Freeman. The negotiations were suspended, leaving an extremely apologetic Zirtok to deal with Mr Freeman’s rather irate agent.

Sadly, upon hearing of the recent inauguration of Donald Trump as President, many emissaries of nearby solar systems now refuse to have anything more to do with Earth.

It is not just the misogynistic, racist, homophobic, crass, rude, sexist, arrogant, ignorant, pretentious, feral, pugnacious, cynical, chauvinistic, egotistical, rumbustious, provocative, churlish, deceitful, parochial, xenophobic, bigoted, avaricious, narcissistic and obnoxious characteristics of the elected which the delegates find despicable, but the inconceivable fact that an ape like that could even rise to a position of authority in the first place – which tells the citizens of the galaxy more about the social, economic and cultural inadequacies of the planet rather than of any political inclination.

Maybe, if Earthlings have any hope of progressing to the next stage of advancement in the universe, they should consider building more bridges and less walls.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

Once Upon a Time in the Galaxy

clockArtwork: “Once Upon a Time” by Poly Dandroid ©

“She had the time of my life.”  – ALARM 9000

By the time you have read this post, a googolplex of galactic babies will have been born, Mrs Millicent Marjoribanks of Tunbridge Wells will have over-baked her prize raspberry buns, Betelgeuse will have exploded in a spectacular supernova, two thousand briefcases will have missed their trains, an elderly Elnathan will have just remembered something really important that he should’ve done, a kettle will have finally boiled and the sun will have engulfed the planet Earth in an almighty cosmic guff.

…of course, this is all relative to the reader.

Sunil arrived 23 minutes late to work this morning. Tracey was not very happy.

It has become quite apparent to me during my visit to this little planet that Earth’s apes, particularly Tracey, have a slight preoccupation with time.

The eternal tick-tocking of the Earthling’s perpetual calculator adorns every office wall, wrist and mobile phone that I encounter. Humans fanatically base their entire lives around its being. In fact, their blind faith in it appears to take precedence over their own mental wellbeing and happiness.

By mid-morning, Tracey was obviously quite troubled by Sunil’s lateness. I decided to enquire why.

“What if something had happened?” she snapped.

I assured her that it was highly probable that a great number of things would have happened in that 23 minutes. The Universe is like that, it keeps doing things all the time.

“But, it’s what he gets paid for!” she huffed.

I had been under the assumption that he got paid for whatever it was that he was here to do, whether it was in that 23 minutes or some other.

“I mean, what if someone had phoned?” She replied.

“They’d just call back later.” I said.

“But what if it was important?”

“Then, they’d definitely call back.” I said.

I was having some trouble comprehending Tracey’s agitation.

Humans have a very interesting way of monitoring time. Their day is divided into 24 hours, each divided into 60 minutes which are further divided into 60 seconds. To save time, their clocks only have 12 of the hours visible and they just count it twice.

Their mobile phones count up to 24, but the 24th number resets to zero, so they can count it all over again the following day.

What’s more, they also count the amount of times each ape has successfully circumnavigated the sun, and they celebrate this by bringing in cakes for other people to eat.

Also, they count the number of times their planet circumnavigates the sun, and they start this from the day a bearded ape named Jesus first accomplished this very task.

Elsewhere in the galaxy, most intelligent beings lead very relaxing lives due to a complete and utter abandonment of a preoccupation with time – partly, due to the fact that no-one has ever been able to read or comprehend Interstellar Spaceways complex and contradictory timetables.

By lunchtime, Tracey had had enough.

“So, exactly why were you late, Sunil? She growled.

Sunil, clearly embarrassed by the whole affair, finally spoke. “I had to get cakes,” he said, “today’s my birthday.”

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes December 2016

galacticgentlemensmagazineArtwork: “Galactic Gentlemen’s Companion Magazine” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, Let’s investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to December’s winners who each receive two free tickets to this year’s Intergalactic Variety Performance at the Adelphi Theatre on Proxima Centuri b. Please collect your tickets in person at the venue’s box office up to 45 solar minutes before the start of the show. The winning entries are;

  • ‘Alone? Want to meet new and interesting people? Searching for that special someone? Then simply build a spaceship and visit hundreds of other solar systems just like yours, today!’ – by the Astronomical Dating Agency as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
  • ‘Reuse hyperboloid cooling towers to make attractive plant pots. Not only will it make your countryside more appealing, but it will also help save your planet’s atmosphere too!’ – from the Galactic Housekeeper’s Magazine as provided by Miss Jolly Holistics
  • ‘To prevent hangovers, avoid drinking drinks that have alcohol in them.’ – by Doctor Philtrum of the Federal Republic of Macronesia as provided by Donald Pidory
  • ‘Recycle unused warheads to make attractive bird feeders.’ – from the Galactic Housekeeper’s Magazine as provided by Miss Jolly Holistics
  • ‘To ensure the survival of your species, avoid electing idiots as your leaders.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin
  • ‘Bring new life into old battleships by using them as attractive planters.’ – from the Galactic Housekeeper’s Magazine as provided by Miss Jolly Holistics

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 4th February 2017

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

Who’s Next in the Evolutionary Line?

jb11Artwork: “Jelly Babies” by John-Paul Matin © 

“I’m with Earthling.”  – Popular slogan for galactic novelty T-shirts

Let me introduce you to Adam. Adam is a male Earth ape, 5ft 11’’ and has red curly hair. He has a roman nose, puffy eyes, a hunched shoulder and leans slightly to the left. His vocabulary is astonishingly limited and he has myopia.

Recently he stayed in a caravan in mid-Wales with his friends, Gaz, Baz and Naz (Although Naz spent most of the time at the local amusement arcades, and so he hardly saw much of him for the whole time they were there.) Adam would definitely recommend travelling to Wales as, in his opinion; “it is very important to experience different cultures.”

Adam likes playing video games. (Which may explain the puffy eyes and hunched shoulder, but at least the opposable thumbs are not going to waste!) He has recently achieved a personal best score on something to do with killing alien invaders. He really likes a girl named Chantelle, but as of yet, Chantelle has not reciprocated his advances (Presumably, because she does not share a mutual interest in video games about killing invading aliens.)

Adam also likes football. His favourite team has not been very successful this year due to the fact that their manager does not possess the same strategic skills as Adam does. Incidentally, Adam could well have made it as a professional footballer, was it not for his bad knee – which may explain why he leans slightly to the left.

Furthermore, Adam likes to watch box-sets and spent his entire weekend doing nothing but watching TV. He doesn’t understand how anyone would want to waste their time reading a ‘boring’ book when they can just download a complete series – ‘Innit?’

So how did I come to know so much about Adam?

Well, today is my sister-in-law’s birthday and as such I thought it would be nice to send her a packet of Jelly Babies, as the like are unheard of in the Alkaidian star system. I found the aforementioned Jelly Babies, opened my purse and found the suitable coins for payment as I patiently queued. A very simple task.

First in line was a female ape who possessed a set of extraordinary eyebrows that were obvious replacements for her natural ones. The connection between the eyebrows and the time to be served appeared to have no correlation at first, but after a few minutes, it became clear that this form of human was unable to grasp the simple premise that one takes items to the counter before joining the queue. Obviously, this was not as she had surmised – which apparently was to wait until one gets to the front before becoming startled by the cashier’s rude and impatient request for any indication of what she may actually want. Hence, the eyebrows.

After several more minutes and now quizzing the cashier on the range of merchandise available, she becomes visibly agitated at having to settle for something she doesn’t know if she really wants at all. Distraught by the experience, she finally leaves the store and the queue takes one step forward.

Well, almost all the queue. All accept the next in line. This ape has forgotten where he is and after a few failed attempts by the cashier to alert him to the fact that he is waiting in a queue, another queue member and the cashier exchange a friendly telepathic agreement to commence without him. Somehow, this telepathic incivility awakens the ignorant ape who is in a state of disbelief that someone should be as so rude to attempt to push in, when he was clearly first!

The third to be served makes none of the previous mistakes. On approaching the counter she has already selected her items and kept alert as when to be served. However, she has made one slight error. During the queueing she has forgotten to get her money ready. Now an attempt to find the correct change has baffled her into a nightmarish 320 second challenge.

Next in line is an elderly ape. This ape has totally misinterpreted the cashier’s friendly customer service manner as keen interest into her daughter’s affairs, grandchildren (all seven of them), faulty boiler and friend, Mavis, who has been waiting over three weeks now for an operation. She has also mistaken the cashier’s congeniality for an invitation to demonstrate her vast general knowledge of the town’s former geography.

I was quite startled to witness one balding ape, who on entering the store, seemed aggrieved that I was in a queue. Whilst he huffed and puffed into his mobile phone and then attempted to demonstrate to the queue that he had a wristwatch and therefore time was very important to him, I decided to assure him that my intentions were purely as a consumer and I showed him my Jelly Babies.

Next, tanned ape with wrong currency.

Next, seventeen unchecked lottery tickets. Loser.

Next, an ape in the wrong queue.

Next, Daz.

Daz is friends with the cashier – Oh, who incidentally, is named Adam. Yes, the very same Adam as previously mentioned at the beginning of this post. It had been a while since they had last seen each other.

By the time I had been served, the Jelly Babies had become squished and congealed together. Next year my sister-in-law will get vouchers.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

The Ape Never Falls Far from the Tree

titianArtwork: “The Fall of Man” by Titian, circa 1550, Public Domain

“He was what he ate.”  – Ms Petronella Dish

Across the great vast vacuum of the Universe, within innumerable swirly whirly galaxies, inside countless spinning solar systems and on trillions upon trillions of rocky planets, there has been but one lifeform whose flesh has been so overwhelmingly tasty and insatiable to others that its whole evolution has been geared towards concealing it.

For hundreds of thousands of years, this lifeform has carefully evolved to hide its delicious flesh.

Its repulsive fat head, protruding snout and mischievous eyes are only matched for sheer ugliness by the grotesque features found sporting a member of the House of Lords.

Its portly body is covered in short, stiff, coarse hairs, which plods flat-footed upon its stumpy legs as it waddles about in a pool of filthy mud and excrement.

And to further deter other beings in discovering its bodily scrumptiousness, it developed a rather rude, aggressive and obscene snort and trump.

Altogether, it had evolved its appearance to portray a most unpleasant dish.

Imagine then, if you will, that only a few thousand years ago, this lifeform encountered a most unfortunate event. Perhaps either by some natural forest fire or volcanic spew, one of its species became entrapped and ultimately fried to death.

The sizzling remains of its body finally awakened the excited and feverish nostrils of its nearest neighbours – and so its species fate was sealed.

Bacon is a popular choice with many of the Earth’s apes and, as a result, has actually safeguarded the survival of the pig.

However, apart from this extraordinary exception, Earthlings don’t really like meat. They think they do… but they don’t.

Possibly due to the pig, they are self-imposed omnivores.

What the Earth apes really like… are nuts and berries. And this is no coincidence.

The evolution of the Earth ape has been manipulated and modified over millions of years by the tree.

The trees have encouraged the taste-buds of the ape to consume its fruits to spread their seeds far and wide.  An additional bonus is that the human apes will suck in all the nasty oxygen from the atmosphere and produce tasty carbon dioxide – the trees love this.

As it swung and scampered along the branches, the early nude primate’s hands were shaped perfectly to pick the fruit.

Over the years its body also adapted to the trees’ will. Its flat molars evolved to grind down the vegetation and nuts, and the jaw was able to move side to side to aid this. (Incidentally, the tiny canines that the humans possess are strictly for the pigs.)

A human’s intestinal tracts are long to allow the body more time to break down fibre and absorb the nutrients from plant-based foods. The seeds survive this process when excreted. On a recent visit to the toilets at a motorway service station, I observed several specimens which still contained fully-intact peanuts and sweetcorn – which supported my hypothesis.

Since the fabled pig of this blog alerted the apes to its succulent body, humans have been trying out all the other animals too.

As a result, their bellies now bloat and gurgle as they attempt to digest the rotting meat being shoved down into them. This can lead to food poisoning. The added fat and cholesterol also increases the Earth ape’s risk of heart disease, diabetes, strokes, cancer and obesity.

Today, the apes will drizzle their meat in sauces, sweet berries, salts, spices or herbs to trick their guts into gobbling it up.

Whilst on my weekly shop at one of Earth’s many supermarkets, I perused the aisles with intrigue. The fat apes loaded their trolleys with all sorts of sweet and salty treats. The plants potential offspring was still evident, only now it was joined with a vast array of chemically advanced breads, sauces, jellies and juices. It was interesting to note that meats were presented without their ugly faces.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes October 2016

captaincosmocornflakesArtwork: “Captain Cosmo’s Corn Flakes” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, Lets investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

Congratulations to October’s winners who each receive an Alcorian invisibility cloak. The winning entries are;

  • ‘If you want to boldly go where no one has gone before… try the toilets on Starbase Delta 7, they stink! – Number 2 of the Battlestar Colonica as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
  • ‘Inconvenienced by changing your underwear on a daily basis? Save both time, energy and thought by dressing in seven pairs of socks and pants on a Sunday night, and then simply peeling one layer off at the end of each night until Saturday. Not only do you save valuable time, but your wash basket and underwear draw hinges get used less.’ – Captain Smirk of the Starship Improvise as provided by R G Walsh
  • ‘Try not to blow yourself up.’ – Adam Atom of The Quantum States as provided by John-Paul Matin
  • ‘It is common courtesy to pay for the hire of a time machine in advance.’ – The Time Travellers’ Society as provided by The Phantom Poet
  • ‘If unsure of which appendage to shake when greeting a new race, always avoid the middle one.’ – Captain Ray Starbeam of the Starship Astra as provided by J R Hampton

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Next deadline: 2nd December 2016

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

 

The Mating Dance of the Earth Ape

dandroiddanceArtwork: “The Mating Dance of the Earth Ape” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“There is nothing so unappealing as sex appeal.”  – Dr Frigmund Zoid

When visiting Earth, the best place one can witness the elaborate mating rituals of the species is at the Jacaranda Nightclub.

Two female apes, who answer to the names of Tiffany and Stacey, insisted that I accompany them on what is commonly referred to as a “girl’s night out.” I decidedly accepted the invitation as it presented a unique opportunity to further study the female of the species’ social habits.

Firstly, it may be of some interest to consider the adopted plumage of the female, which is quite intricate and by all accounts very similar to that of the Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey.

To attract a mate, the female Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey will undertake a series of elaborate visual processes.

One such process is to display a swollen rump to the males. Her hindquarters are elevated and the fat of her lower torso is tightly compressed against the body to expose the round gluteal muscles. This is further accentuated by the monkey escalating the heels and walking on her toes, sometimes awkwardly.

Stacey demonstrated this task with ease as she clip-clopped and stumbled across Tiffany’s tiled kitchen floor whilst managing to skilfully maintain her balance by using half a bottle of Prosecco and a pink handbag – I opted for flats.

Several physiologic changes are also observable; the lips become pursed and are reddened, the eyes enlarge and eyelashes appear elongated. It is not uncommon to witness rows of snub-nosed primates admiring their reflections in ice-sheets whilst pouting and liberally applying black pigment to their lashes.

Fortunately for me, Tiffany had an extensive set of spare eye-lashes with the required length and volume, which she applied to my own face.

The Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey will often use olfactory signals. These odorants can be quite pungent. The Earth apes also apply synthetic scents to their bodies. This is actually quite a relief, as the apes’ natural pheromones are quite unpleasant to say the least. It is no wonder that Earthlings apply as much perfume to their bodies as is possible to attract a mate.

It appears that to prepare for the evening’s daunting encounter with the male of the species, Earth’s female apes will first consume an abnormally large amount of alcohol. By the time we spilled out of the taxi and tottered into the Jacaranda, my mental and social capacity was already reduced to that of a Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey – which made my professional observations and judgement all the more difficult. However, in the interests of science, I persevered.

The environment of the nightclub is appropriately designed. The music is extremely loud, the room is dark and bright lights dazzle you at every turn.

At the bar, male Earth apes can been seen displaying a wide range of vocal and gestural communications, including whooping, chest pounding, back slapping and downing copious amounts of alcohol.

Then… the mating dance of the Earth apes begin.

It appears that before any actually dancing should commence, the custom is for the males and females to scrutinise each other, whilst making it perfectly clear that this is the exact thing that they are not doing.

In the early stages, the males approach cautiously. It would be detrimental for their possibility of mating if they were to engage with the female prematurely.

It is not uncommon to see them, with chest puffed out, stroll towards a female before taking a last second diversion – the game is set.

The contest to establish an alpha male is apparent. Often congregating in groups, the males become excitable when observing the females, especially the ones with very long eyelashes, reddened lips and high heels. The male who can whoop the loudest and appear largest to the others will often be nominated as the leader – it now befalls on them to establish first contact with a female troop.

Cautiously, I follow Tiffany and Stacey out onto the dance floor, beginning with a slight shuffle, adding a bounce and upon finding a space; a wiggle – however, it is not necessary to do these things in time with the music.

The dance floor is an intimidating arena. Sambuca-fuelled apes, beer-belching monkeys and tequila-induced baboons swing wildly to the rhythms. One ape feverishly began to gesticulate in a peculiar manner to my right. I was unsure of the signals – which was not helped by my fake eye-lash becoming slightly unstuck and obstructing my view.

Noticing that I had become disorientated, (along with the fact that Stacey had now chosen to exuberantly exchange her saliva with another ape) Tiffany took me to the safety of the toilets.

The last thing I can remember is violently heaving into the toilet bowl.

I awoke the following afternoon on Tiffany’s sofa to the smell of fried eggs. Stacey’s male ape had left an hour earlier – the evening had been a success.

In all my studies of the diverse mating rituals across the galaxy, none have been as exasperating as the one performed by Earth’s apes. It’s a wonder they have made it this far.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

The Rise and Fall of the Machines

dandroidrisemachinesArtwork: “The Rise and Fall of the Machines” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Only a customer-centric universe (Where the customer is at the centre of all the celestial commodities) needs a robot.”  – Professor Su Matic

So, I’m at the supermarket, and in an attempt to avoid the inexorable pre-programmed customer-friendly chatter of a cashier ape, I plump for the self-service option. Only now, I have a bureaucratic, stuck-up machine with a superiority complex telling me I have an unexpected item in the bagging area. Sound familiar?

I have no idea of what the machine was expecting, and even less of a notion of what it believes the unexpected item is. I cannot see anything other than the two tins of pineapple chunks and pot of low fat raspberry yogurt that it was happy to acknowledge earlier -there is no reasoning with the machine.

I look around, but the human ape is not there to help me. A red light alerts other shoppers to my offence and so I begin to protest my innocence… I am not a thief.

I suspect that even the gormless expression I adapt, whilst pretending to look for an unexpected item in the bagging area, does not fool anyone. I am to remain still until the proper authorities arrive to examine me, at which point I am very eager to demonstrate that I have not stashed anything out of sorts into the bagging area.

Ruefully, I look over to the shoppers that chose the queue with a biological cashier – her superficial smile and friendly demeanour seems a lot more welcoming to me now. She wouldn’t make me feel like a criminal over a reduced packet of butterly spread.

Would a world of machines doing humanoid’s jobs really be such a good thing?

It is very typical for a planet taking its first tantalising steps towards being a class 1 civilization, to begin employing robots.

Driverless cars, artificially-intelligent vacuum cleaners, automated call-centre operatives, electronic soldiers, mechanised bank tellers, high-definition babysitters and digitalised bartenders are usually employed relatively quickly.

For example; on Seginus 6, the bartenders are designed so that they can analyse a customer’s breath, posture and pupil dilation – to determine whether they can have that one last pint of Arcturan ale or not. Incidentally, this is why no one ever visits Seginus 6 anymore.

The inhabitants of Gorgonea Tertia have become so accustomed to their mechanised slaves, that they now let them run the entire planet for them. The Gorgoneans have evolved to let their robots take care of everything, and as such, they no longer need to think for themselves. Their robots look after them. Their robots take care of everything. Their robots know what to do. Their robots are their child-carers, nurses, servants, police, judges, juries and executioners. Their robots are also their undertakers.

Finally, the human ape comes to my aid. He is not interested in checking my bags or examining my character – my protestations fall on deaf ears. He knows the machine is stupid, he works with it every day. With a swipe of his card I am allowed to proceed with my shopping. Now, if only I can get through the next sixteen items without the machine accusing me of another misdemeanour, I am free.

Until next time, keep evolving!

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

hazardous-for-the-environmentArtwork: “Hazardous for the Environment” CLP Pictogram (Public Domain)

“You cannot teach an old ape new tricks.”  – ‘The Earthling Bop’ by The Big Bang Band

Whilst on a relaxing galactic cruise, Mr and Mrs Queegansplatz of Kornephoros 12 were rudely and inexplicably ejected from their hammocks as the Captain had to make a sudden and dramatic hard turn to avoid a 900 kilogram manhole cover, which was careering past the ship’s starboard bow.

Enraged by this event, the Queegansplatz, along with many of the passengers of the Starship Queen Zillibeta II, immediately sought compensation from the Asterion Cruise Line Company.

Subsequently, representatives of the company sought out the destination of the object, and after several years of feverishly spinning around the sector in their little flying saucers, they finally located it as originating from a tiny and insignificant little planet named Earth.

Shocked and disgusted by the amount of debris that was beginning to accumulate around the orbit of this planet, Galactic authorities immediately imposed Health and Safety regulation 2.4 upon the damn dirty apes, along with instructions to promptly clean up their mess and keep the galaxy tidy. However, the dumb ape that received this notice, unfortunately misunderstood, promptly circled it, and wrote the word WOW! in big letters beside it. As a result the planet is now under quarantine until further notice.

Oh, and the origin of the 900 kilogram steel plate cap. It was sent hurtling at approximately six times the escape velocity from Earth as a result of Operation Plumbbob. A series of nuclear explosions at the Nevada test site in the USA from 1957.

Fortunately, after spending some time on this little planet, I have noticed that some of the younger apes have recently began to take note.

On flying back from a recent holiday in the Azores, Alisha, my friend Tracey’s eldest daughter, proudly told me how her university group has successfully began a leafleting campaign to highlight the dreadful effects of deforestation on the planet.

Alisha is passionate about the environment and is only a further 200 signatures away from her target on her internet campaign to ban fossil fuels by the Earth year 2030.

I have to agree with her. It is odd for a race that has discovered renewable energy such as wind turbines and photovoltaic solar panels, to continue to dig up and burn million-year-old trees and plankton which result in increased atmospheric carbon dioxide and methane levels – Phewy! Is it me or is it getting hot around here?

After helping Alisha plant a few new saplings in her garden, we wash up. I can’t help but notice the plastic microbeads and anti-bacterial soap that she uses, gurgling down the plug hole.

High level nuclear waste may take as much as 10,000 years of isolation until it is safe for the environment. Unfortunately, Earthlings don’t have that much time.

The ongoing wheezing of car exhausts, mass deforestation, burning fossils, spewing chimneys, spurting aerosols, bloated landfills, regurgitating sewage-pipes, over farming and flatulent paddy fields may see the end of the Anthropocene epoch on Earth well before then – despite Alisha’s efforts.

On arriving home, I sign Alisha’s online petition. Only another 199 signatures to go.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!