Never Accept a Friend Request from a Rigelian

4DVRArtwork: “4D Virtual Reality” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

“A person is only as smart as the computer that’s using it.” – Dr Mac Appological

It was lunchtime. We’d met for a quick coffee in the town centre. I hadn’t seen Trudy for some time now and so was looking forward for a quick catch up and gossip.

Surveying the café whilst we queued, Trudy quickly pounced upon a corner table as two corporate clad gentlemen slurped down their final dregs and packed away their laptops. We nestled into our opportunistically acquired seats, sitting across the table from one another, she with the Cappuccino, and me with the Americano.

Whilst I was attempting to ascertain how she’d been and how she was spending her time nowadays, it became apparent that something was on her mind.

I could see the signs; the nervous twitch of the fingers, the erratic stirring of the froth, and the uncontrollable darting eyes.

It didn’t take long for me to figure it out. I followed her quick repetitive glances to her handbag – It was definitely in there.

The apologies spilled out upon the table as she clutched the neuroleptic device in her hands. “It will just take a minute.” “If I don’t reply, she’ll get funny.” “I said I’d send it.”

After another fifteen minutes of watching her thumb frantically jig upon the keypad, help her spell out “a.c.q.u.a.i.n.t.a.n.c.e.”, and listen to one half of a conversation about something scandalous a woman named Felicity had shared on her social media page, we said our goodbyes and promised not to leave it so long until we did it again.

Avoiding a mindless adolescent ape as it charged toward me with its head plugged into an electronic tablet via ear phones, and escaping the wails of a toddler as it implored for the soothing comfort of a digital game from its parent, I hurriedly made my way home.

The biotechnological age of humanity is in its infancy and is widely evident.

This behaviour is quite common in the galaxy for a fledgling species, which will usually grow out of it within a generation or two. However, some do not.

For example; the entire civilization of Rigel 4b is kept on a server no bigger than a snub-nosed purple myriapod.

To eradicate all biological restrictions, such as having to reach for a remote control or attend socially awkward engagements, the Rigelians believed that downloading their minds onto their planetary internet was the next obvious evolutionary step.

The inhabitants of Rigel 4b have therefore spent over a millennia electronically surfing their extensive catalogue of countless amateur video uploads, gratuitous blogs, monotonous games and celebrity infatuated e-zines.

The effect has been catastrophic. As a result, Rigelians are now considered the most boring, anti-social, dim-witted, conceited, ill-mannered and obnoxious species in the entire universe.

For this reason, it is strongly advised by the Galactic Board for Interstellarnet Safety, never to accept a friend request from a Rigelian.

As for Trudy, I’ll send her a text message to let her know I’m thinking of her.

Until next time, keep evolving!



Excuse Me! or An Inquiry into The Perpetual Motion of Man

The Perpetual Motion of ManArtwork: “The Perpetual Motion of Man” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“Ape before beauty.” – Cosmelius Chunt

So here’s the scenario. I’m in a hurry. My train leaves in less than ten minutes and the distance between the station and me is approximately one hundred metres. Easy? Maybe not, if you take into consideration, the inconsiderate.

Firstly, evolution has now been going on for some time upon this little planet. Humans have acquired 20/20 vision, peripheral vision and have developed with eyes positioned at the front of their heads. The feet, which point forward, together with the legs, have developed a simple rhythmic locomotion, accomplished by using a double pendulum momentum, which gives them an effective and efficient means to propel themselves in a forward direction.

So why is it that half the people I encounter on this journey cannot grasp the simple process of walking forward and using their eyes to avoid obstacles? Namely, me!

Secondly, the pavement runs parallel alongside the road. It has been constructed with the intent to walk from destination A to destination B, in a safe, proficient way, which eliminates all that messy being hit by a car stuff. Some earthlings seem to have trouble comprehending this simple premise, they congregate in small groups or inexplicably stop for no apparent reason.

Thirdly, what is a door? What is it for? What is its purpose in the universe? For the benefit of the young, pink-hooded lady in tight blue leggings, and the two prattling apes wearing abnormally large rucksacks – I’ll explain. A door enables one to pass from one location to the next whereby a wall may otherwise restrict access. No, besides what you may think, it is really not the place to stand and exchange lists of pointless epiphanies that have only just occurred to you at that very moment.

Next, to help explain I’d like you to imagine this. Two colossal galactic ships are heading toward each other at an astonishing speed. Should they;

A: Each move slightly to one side to enable them both to pass unscathed?

B: One courteously direct the other through, so they can both pass unscathed? Or…

C: Collide and both end up with very sore heads?

Lastly, Pace. If I am in a busy street and walking at an incredibly slow pace, will my life expectancy increase if I was to move to one side rather than straddle the entire width of the pavement?

Luckily for me, and most probably for you, Earth trains seldom arrive on time.

Until next time, keep evolving!

If You Can Read This…

Artwork: “Rigelian Map of the World” Reproduction by The Estrella Moon Workshop

“Human see, human do.” – Dr Zigfreed Quasanberg

When people found out that I was going to be travelling to Earth to study the apes, I was always posed the same questions. “Do they bite?” “What if they try to eat you?” “Don’t they sniff each other’s private parts?” “What if they try to blow you up with an atomic bomb?”

My mother was particularly worried – she gave me several hundred packets of anti-bacterial wipes.

I must admit, I was apprehensive about the venture myself, and on many nights I would awake with a start after suffering terrible nightmares about being bored to death by a primitive chat show host or being fried in batter by an adolescent sous-chef.

Luckily for me, many of the preconceptions of humans turned out to be untrue.

Within the first few months of arriving, I was relived to discover that, no, they aren’t all obsessed with wrestling, yes, it’s mostly the males that wear moustaches, no, they don’t all fling their poo around and no, they don’t try to pick fleas from you at every opportunity. Although, I have to admit, after only three months of setting foot on this little planet, I was down to my last packet of wipes.

What was interesting to note, was the preconceptions Earth apes had of other Earth apes. The range of biodiverse apes on this planet is often a cause of discrimination, rather than the typical cosmic congratulatory recognition that we all made it out of the primordial slime and managed to adapt so very well to our surroundings.

Soon, it became apparent to me that some apes on one side of the planet were highly suspicious of some apes on the other side of the planet. Some apes treated others differently because of the slight difference in the colour of their skin, (I dread to think how they’d react to the multifarious skin tones of the rest of the galaxy) and some apes actually considered themselves superior to others based simply by the geographical region in which they were born. To me, they were all equally as stupid as each other.

I adapted to living on this rock very quickly. I blended in with the apes by gaining employment at a quasi-autonomous non-governmental organisation as a data-control systems analysist, (Whatever that is! – After several months, no one seems to want to question me on what I am doing, so I keep on doing it.) and was soon accepted by the other office apes as part of their troop.

I observed with enthusiasm their strange customs and traditions, such as giving pieces of silver to Tracey each week for coffee and biscuits, chattering about Brian’s sweat glands when he was not present, worshipping the clock and taking turns to open, close and hit parts of the photocopier after it had jammed.

So why by the great beard of Zog did I decide to come to Earth?

My interest in humans began when I was a child after my father had given me a life-sized human stuffed animal, which I affectionately named Pudge. My career as a zoologist really began from then. I adored my human and although Pudge, over time, became tatty and smelly, and lost one arm, I loved him more than anything else in the entire universe.

As I grew, so did my interest in humans. With Pudge vigilantly watching over me from my dresser, I would immerse myself in storybooks about fascinating tales of Earth. Accounts of valiant princes, acrobats, boogie-woogie, waterslides and nuclear warheads span around my mind. By the time I graduated from West Phecda University, Pudge was still there, waiting patiently for me on my dresser.

I had always fantasised about what Pudge would say and do if he were a real biological being. Would he try to bite me? Would he try to eat me? Would he sniff me, fling his poo or try to blow me up with an atomic bomb?”

The opportunity to study the primitive social, physiological and psychological nature of real living and breathing humans in their natural habitat was too great an opportunity to miss – and a chance to finally discover all of the secrets that Pudge had been hiding away from me for all of these years.

Maybe, if he were here now, he’d start a blog.

Until next time, keep evolving!