Who’s Next in the Evolutionary Line?

jb11Artwork: “Jelly Babies” by John-Paul Matin © 

“I’m with Earthling.”  – Popular slogan for galactic novelty T-shirts

Let me introduce you to Adam. Adam is a male Earth ape, 5ft 11’’ and has red curly hair. He has a roman nose, puffy eyes, a hunched shoulder and leans slightly to the left. His vocabulary is astonishingly limited and he has myopia.

Recently he stayed in a caravan in mid-Wales with his friends, Gaz, Baz and Naz (Although Naz spent most of the time at the local amusement arcades, and so he hardly saw much of him for the whole time they were there.) Adam would definitely recommend travelling to Wales as, in his opinion; “it is very important to experience different cultures.”

Adam likes playing video games. (Which may explain the puffy eyes and hunched shoulder, but at least the opposable thumbs are not going to waste!) He has recently achieved a personal best score on something to do with killing alien invaders. He really likes a girl named Chantelle, but as of yet, Chantelle has not reciprocated his advances (Presumably, because she does not share a mutual interest in video games about killing invading aliens.)

Adam also likes football. His favourite team has not been very successful this year due to the fact that their manager does not possess the same strategic skills as Adam does. Incidentally, Adam could well have made it as a professional footballer, was it not for his bad knee – which may explain why he leans slightly to the left.

Furthermore, Adam likes to watch box-sets and spent his entire weekend doing nothing but watching TV. He doesn’t understand how anyone would want to waste their time reading a ‘boring’ book when they can just download a complete series – ‘Innit?’

So how did I come to know so much about Adam?

Well, today is my sister-in-law’s birthday and as such I thought it would be nice to send her a packet of Jelly Babies, as the like are unheard of in the Alkaidian star system. I found the aforementioned Jelly Babies, opened my purse and found the suitable coins for payment as I patiently queued. A very simple task.

First in line was a female ape who possessed a set of extraordinary eyebrows that were obvious replacements for her natural ones. The connection between the eyebrows and the time to be served appeared to have no correlation at first, but after a few minutes, it became clear that this form of human was unable to grasp the simple premise that one takes items to the counter before joining the queue. Obviously, this was not as she had surmised – which apparently was to wait until one gets to the front before becoming startled by the cashier’s rude and impatient request for any indication of what she may actually want. Hence, the eyebrows.

After several more minutes and now quizzing the cashier on the range of merchandise available, she becomes visibly agitated at having to settle for something she doesn’t know if she really wants at all. Distraught by the experience, she finally leaves the store and the queue takes one step forward.

Well, almost all the queue. All accept the next in line. This ape has forgotten where he is and after a few failed attempts by the cashier to alert him to the fact that he is waiting in a queue, another queue member and the cashier exchange a friendly telepathic agreement to commence without him. Somehow, this telepathic incivility awakens the ignorant ape who is in a state of disbelief that someone should be as so rude to attempt to push in, when he was clearly first!

The third to be served makes none of the previous mistakes. On approaching the counter she has already selected her items and kept alert as when to be served. However, she has made one slight error. During the queueing she has forgotten to get her money ready. Now an attempt to find the correct change has baffled her into a nightmarish 320 second challenge.

Next in line is an elderly ape. This ape has totally misinterpreted the cashier’s friendly customer service manner as keen interest into her daughter’s affairs, grandchildren (all seven of them), faulty boiler and friend, Mavis, who has been waiting over three weeks now for an operation. She has also mistaken the cashier’s congeniality for an invitation to demonstrate her vast general knowledge of the town’s former geography.

I was quite startled to witness one balding ape, who on entering the store, seemed aggrieved that I was in a queue. Whilst he huffed and puffed into his mobile phone and then attempted to demonstrate to the queue that he had a wristwatch and therefore time was very important to him, I decided to assure him that my intentions were purely as a consumer and I showed him my Jelly Babies.

Next, tanned ape with wrong currency.

Next, seventeen unchecked lottery tickets. Loser.

Next, an ape in the wrong queue.

Next, Daz.

Daz is friends with the cashier – Oh, who incidentally, is named Adam. Yes, the very same Adam as previously mentioned at the beginning of this post. It had been a while since they had last seen each other.

By the time I had been served, the Jelly Babies had become squished and congealed together. Next year my sister-in-law will get vouchers.


Until next time, keep evolving!


The Ape Never Falls Far from the Tree

titianArtwork: “The Fall of Man” by Titian, circa 1550, Public Domain

“He was what he ate.”  – Ms Petronella Dish

Across the great vast vacuum of the Universe, within innumerable swirly whirly galaxies, inside countless spinning solar systems and on trillions upon trillions of rocky planets, there has been but one lifeform whose flesh has been so overwhelmingly tasty and insatiable to others that its whole evolution has been geared towards concealing it.

For hundreds of thousands of years, this lifeform has carefully evolved to hide its delicious flesh.

Its repulsive fat head, protruding snout and mischievous eyes are only matched for sheer ugliness by the grotesque features found sporting a member of the House of Lords.

Its portly body is covered in short, stiff, coarse hairs, which plods flat-footed upon its stumpy legs as it waddles about in a pool of filthy mud and excrement.

And to further deter other beings in discovering its bodily scrumptiousness, it developed a rather rude, aggressive and obscene snort and trump.

Altogether, it had evolved its appearance to portray a most unpleasant dish.

Imagine then, if you will, that only a few thousand years ago, this lifeform encountered a most unfortunate event. Perhaps either by some natural forest fire or volcanic spew, one of its species became entrapped and ultimately fried to death.

The sizzling remains of its body finally awakened the excited and feverish nostrils of its nearest neighbours – and so its species fate was sealed.

Bacon is a popular choice with many of the Earth’s apes and, as a result, has actually safeguarded the survival of the pig.

However, apart from this extraordinary exception, Earthlings don’t really like meat. They think they do… but they don’t.

Possibly due to the pig, they are self-imposed omnivores.

What the Earth apes really like… are nuts and berries. And this is no coincidence.

The evolution of the Earth ape has been manipulated and modified over millions of years by the tree.

The trees have encouraged the taste-buds of the ape to consume its fruits to spread their seeds far and wide.  An additional bonus is that the human apes will suck in all the nasty oxygen from the atmosphere and produce tasty carbon dioxide – the trees love this.

As it swung and scampered along the branches, the early nude primate’s hands were shaped perfectly to pick the fruit.

Over the years its body also adapted to the trees’ will. Its flat molars evolved to grind down the vegetation and nuts, and the jaw was able to move side to side to aid this. (Incidentally, the tiny canines that the humans possess are strictly for the pigs.)

A human’s intestinal tracts are long to allow the body more time to break down fibre and absorb the nutrients from plant-based foods. The seeds survive this process when excreted. On a recent visit to the toilets at a motorway service station, I observed several specimens which still contained fully-intact peanuts and sweetcorn – which supported my hypothesis.

Since the fabled pig of this blog alerted the apes to its succulent body, humans have been trying out all the other animals too.

As a result, their bellies now bloat and gurgle as they attempt to digest the rotting meat being shoved down into them. This can lead to food poisoning. The added fat and cholesterol also increases the Earth ape’s risk of heart disease, diabetes, strokes, cancer and obesity.

Today, the apes will drizzle their meat in sauces, sweet berries, salts, spices or herbs to trick their guts into gobbling it up.

Whilst on my weekly shop at one of Earth’s many supermarkets, I perused the aisles with intrigue. The fat apes loaded their trolleys with all sorts of sweet and salty treats. The plants potential offspring was still evident, only now it was joined with a vast array of chemically advanced breads, sauces, jellies and juices. It was interesting to note that meats were presented without their ugly faces.


Until next time, keep evolving!