Take Me to Your Leader! (Wait, on second thoughts…)

tmtylArtwork: “Take Me to Your Leader!” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“On Earth, common sense is an oxymoron.”  – Emperor Ovaltine

Let’s face it, Earthlings are notoriously bad at selecting their leaders.

Since the turn of the 21st century, Earth has had several opportunities to take steps into the galactic community.

On one such occasion, Golumbus the Unready, an eminent ambassador from Procyon 2, visited the then President of the United States of America (George W Bush) to open discussions for an invitation.

The President, not being educated in galactic race to race conventions, at once swallowed Golumbus, who consequently spent the next few days being passed through the intestinal tract of the President before being finally released.

Golumbus, outraged and deeply offended by this action, subsequently returned to inform his gelatinous race that Earth was off limits!

In more recent times, a delegate of the Pleiades was mistaken for a wasp by Benjamin Netanyahu, a courier from Aldebaran 9 was sat on by Angela Merkal and Vladimir Putin attempted to mate with a missionary from Epsilon Pegasi 8. As for Tony Blair, the Duchess of Sheliak and a spatula … some things are best never mentioned again.

Although, this may not be entirely fair – there have been several instances when Earth has become very close to being accepted into the interstellar society.

Not so long ago, Senator Zirtok and his team opened formal dialogue with one of Earth’s most prominent Presidents. The 72 hour long discussions looked very promising, and an accord was established to integrate Earthlings into the Galactic Federation of Planets. However, at the last minute, it was revealed that the party in question was not in fact a President, but a little known actor by the name of Morgan Freeman. The negotiations were suspended, leaving an extremely apologetic Zirtok to deal with Mr Freeman’s rather irate agent.

Sadly, upon hearing of the recent inauguration of Donald Trump as President, many emissaries of nearby solar systems now refuse to have anything more to do with Earth.

It is not just the misogynistic, racist, homophobic, crass, rude, sexist, arrogant, ignorant, pretentious, feral, pugnacious, cynical, chauvinistic, egotistical, rumbustious, provocative, churlish, deceitful, parochial, xenophobic, bigoted, avaricious, narcissistic and obnoxious characteristics of the elected which the delegates find despicable, but the inconceivable fact that an ape like that could even rise to a position of authority in the first place – which tells the citizens of the galaxy more about the social, economic and cultural inadequacies of the planet rather than of any political inclination.

Maybe, if Earthlings have any hope of progressing to the next stage of advancement in the universe, they should consider building more bridges and less walls.


Until next time, keep evolving!


Once Upon a Time in the Galaxy

clockArtwork: “Once Upon a Time” by Poly Dandroid ©

“She had the time of my life.”  – ALARM 9000

By the time you have read this post, a googolplex of galactic babies will have been born, Mrs Millicent Marjoribanks of Tunbridge Wells will have over-baked her prize raspberry buns, Betelgeuse will have exploded in a spectacular supernova, two thousand briefcases will have missed their trains, an elderly Elnathan will have just remembered something really important that he should’ve done, a kettle will have finally boiled and the sun will have engulfed the planet Earth in an almighty cosmic guff.

…of course, this is all relative to the reader.

Sunil arrived 23 minutes late to work this morning. Tracey was not very happy.

It has become quite apparent to me during my visit to this little planet that Earth’s apes, particularly Tracey, have a slight preoccupation with time.

The eternal tick-tocking of the Earthling’s perpetual calculator adorns every office wall, wrist and mobile phone that I encounter. Humans fanatically base their entire lives around its being. In fact, their blind faith in it appears to take precedence over their own mental wellbeing and happiness.

By mid-morning, Tracey was obviously quite troubled by Sunil’s lateness. I decided to enquire why.

“What if something had happened?” she snapped.

I assured her that it was highly probable that a great number of things would have happened in that 23 minutes. The Universe is like that, it keeps doing things all the time.

“But, it’s what he gets paid for!” she huffed.

I had been under the assumption that he got paid for whatever it was that he was here to do, whether it was in that 23 minutes or some other.

“I mean, what if someone had phoned?” She replied.

“They’d just call back later.” I said.

“But what if it was important?”

“Then, they’d definitely call back.” I said.

I was having some trouble comprehending Tracey’s agitation.

Humans have a very interesting way of monitoring time. Their day is divided into 24 hours, each divided into 60 minutes which are further divided into 60 seconds. To save time, their clocks only have 12 of the hours visible and they just count it twice.

Their mobile phones count up to 24, but the 24th number resets to zero, so they can count it all over again the following day.

What’s more, they also count the amount of times each ape has successfully circumnavigated the sun, and they celebrate this by bringing in cakes for other people to eat.

Also, they count the number of times their planet circumnavigates the sun, and they start this from the day a bearded ape named Jesus first accomplished this very task.

Elsewhere in the galaxy, most intelligent beings lead very relaxing lives due to a complete and utter abandonment of a preoccupation with time – partly, due to the fact that no-one has ever been able to read or comprehend Interstellar Spaceways complex and contradictory timetables.

By lunchtime, Tracey had had enough.

“So, exactly why were you late, Sunil? She growled.

Sunil, clearly embarrassed by the whole affair, finally spoke. “I had to get cakes,” he said, “today’s my birthday.”


Until next time, keep evolving!