How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth’s Apes August 2016

HOVER BOOTS EMWArtwork: “Hover Boots” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

As the universe is so unimaginably enormous, it can sometimes feel as though you are not getting the attention that you feel you deserve. So, in the meantime, Lets investigate how earthlings can bridge that gap, and make friends with the universe.

August’s winning cosmic proverbs are;

  • ‘yIn Hegh bI’reS’ Translated to:‘Life is the beginning of death.’ – Chancellor Gortok of Omega Leonis as provided by Lynda Di Dopro
  • ‘Ring before you ping!’ – Dumpy Rustynut as provided by Rachel Irvin
  • ‘Medicine is the best medicine.’ – Doctor Philtrum of the Federal Republic of Macronesia as provided by Donald Pidory
  • ‘Three heads are better than two.’ – Attributed to Friar Zumphrey the Obstinate of Zeta Herculis as provided by Trudy Utterly

 

Do you have any top tips for humanity?

If you have a tip for the Earth Apes, simply email it to me along with your cosmic name & part of the universe from which you reside, and I’ll naturally select the best ones to post at the next round of How to Make Friends with the Universe: Advice for Earth Apes.

Send your cosmic top tips for humanity to polydandroid@hotmail.com in the body of the email.

Submission Guidelines;

  • Try to limit your top tips to one line.
  • Include your cosmic nom-de-plume and part of the Universe in which you reside – along with the name of who should be attributed to providing it.
  • Keep it simple, so that the Earth apes can read it.

 

Art submissions

Do you have an illustration, painting, photograph or electronic masterpiece that you would like to showcase?

Then why not send it along to polydandroid@hotmail.com for consideration? Jpeg format desirable.

Include your name and any link to your personal website/blog.

A small remuneration will be deposited into your Interstellar account, which will be awaiting you when you finally learn how to leave your little planet and join the rest of the cosmic community.

 

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

 

*Polydandroid reserves the right to use your contribution in any future publication of this blog. Submission is taken as full acceptance. Copyright remains with the author/artist.

Attack of the Earth Apes

Pioneer10-plaqueArtwork: “Pioneer10 PlaqueDesigned by Carl Sagan and Frank Drake. Artwork prepared by Linda Salzman Sagan / NASA – (Public Domain)

“The trouble with humans is that they all look the same.” – Dame Marginal Slightly

After spending 30 minutes ranting about how inadequate the postal service is, describing in detail the pains I have been getting in my lower back, and protesting about the annoying way that the receptionist from work keeps calling me ‘Dolly’… I realised that the human ape before me was not in fact Verity after all, but someone named Alan.

I left the ape standing befuddled, made my excuses, then quickly hurried down the road and headed home.

Whilst I stretched out on the sofa, I read through the accumulation of mail that had greeted me on my doorstep.

Within the bundle of take-away menus, bank statements and charity bags, I was intrigued to find a hand written letter.

The letter was simple and read;

“You are not welcome! Foreigners out! Go back to where you came from, scumbag!”

I was intrigued. How did the Earth ape know? I had been very meticulous in disguising myself here, since landing upon this little planet.

Maybe it was the accent, I thought. I could never fully master the funny intonations with which humans speak.

Later that evening, I decided to show the letter to my ape-friend, Verity.

“Well, where are you from exactly?” she asked.

“I’m an Alkaidian.” I confessed.

“I knew it!” she said, “I always thought I could detect a bit of the east in you.”

“It depends from where you’re looking.” I replied.

I quizzed her more as the evening progressed. Essentially, the planet is divided by continent, and these sectors are further divided into countries.

“So how do I know where one starts and the other ends?” I asked.

Verity showed me a map on her phone and explained to me that there are borders between them.

“Ah, I see!” I said, “So you look down and see these lines on the floor then?”

Verity further explained that these lines are in fact ‘imaginary’ and you couldn’t actually see them.

The division didn’t stop there. The countries are further sub-divided into regions, some of which contained cities and the cities are further sub-divided into even more areas. ‘Imaginary lines’

I asked Verity why someone would not want me to be within their imaginary borders.

“Well,” she began. “It could be that you speak differently, or that you eat different types of food, or that you have a different skin colour.” She then pointed to a place called Africa, and explained to me that the humans which come from that place have slightly darker skin tones.

“Ah, like Dr Bennett, from next door?” I said.

“Exactly.” she said.

Funny, I could have sworn that he’d told me he was from Ashby-de-la-Zouch.

After Verity left, I was more puzzled than ever. Apparently, all of the Earth’s apes originated from Africa – including the one that wrote the letter.

Also, I discovered that sometimes people on one side of the planet moved to another side because they were hungry, or poor, or because they were escaping from the brutality inflicted by other savage apes.

Apparently, there are quite a few Earth apes which are very upset about all of this – hence, my letter.

Furthermore, a proportion of feral apes on this planet feel compelled to demonstrate their primitive territorial impulses by attacking their fellow apes.

It seems bizarre to me that these apes are under the impression that there is more than one human race residing on their tiny planet.

It reminded me very much of the inhabitants of Mintaka 9.

The Mintakans were a progressive race who lived on a planet slightly smaller than Earth. The Mintakans on one side of the planet were red with blue spots whereas the Mintakans on the other side were blue with red spots.

Just as the race was about to launch their new galactic class starship and join the rest of the cosmic community, a red-spotted Mintakan said something insulting about a blue-spotted one. The blue-spotted Mintakans were aghast and subsequently blew up half the planet in retaliation – and so thus ended their cosmic voyage.

I often wonder whether Earthling’s would notice their similarities, rather than their differences, if they could look up towards their little planet from a bedroom window on a cool Alkaidian night.

As I stuck the letter onto the fridge door, I pondered whether I should pen a response to request further dialogue (but somehow, I don’t think that was the ape’s intention.)

Until next time, keep evolving!

How Artificially Intelligent Are You?

PastPresentFfutureSpudragon16Artwork: “Past Present Future” by Spudragon ©

Small minds think alike.” – Tagline for the Algolian B-movie ‘Invaders from Earth.’

On this little planet, one can observe an intelligent animal named a bottlenose dolphin. It has developed a rather intelligent feeding method. In shallow waters, it swims in a circle whilst beating its tail on the sea bed – stirring up a cloud of mud and silt which corrals a shoal of unsuspecting fish. Encircled by the muddy net, the fish are trapped. As the shoal become tighter and tighter in the ever closing murky cloud, they panic. There is only one way out… by jumping – straight into the open mouths of a waiting pod of hungry dolphins.

Of course, Sunil knew this. He also knew that the dolphin is a mammal and not a fish, as Tiffany had thought.

Sunil can recall pi to 16 digits, can name most of the capital cities of the world and can list all of the elements in the periodic table. However, this afternoon he seemed to have trouble opening the packaging of his tuna mayonnaise sandwiches.

In the office today, the topic of conversation had turned to whether there is intelligent life in the universe… an unusually cerebral subject for these apes. I was intrigued.

The conversation was initiated by Tracey who had read an article in a daily newspaper which described the latest discovery of another exoplanet.

Tracey’s Hypothesis;

“I can remember reading on the internet something about the Apollo astronauts seeing aliens from out of the window of their spaceship.” She began. “My auntie, Shelia, says that she was abducted when she was a little girl by some grey aliens with spooky big black eyes.” She added.

She continued to elaborate on her idea, stating that as so many people claim to be abducted, then statistically, they can’t all be nuts… so it has to be true – there is intelligent life in the universe.

Sunil’s Hypothesis;

Sunil found some compelling evidence on the internet. As his finger scrolled along the surface of his smartphone, he relayed some facts to the others. ‘There are approximately 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way.’ ‘There have been more than 3,000 exoplanets discovered in our galaxy alone.’ And ‘Tardigrades can survive in outer space.’

He further went on to add that he’d calculated the chances of intelligent extra-terrestrial life in the galaxy as being over one billion by using the Drake Equation. He had an app for it. “It’s science.” He boasted.

Tiffany’s Hypothesis;

“Oh, you can’t trust the Scientists.” Tiffany declared, “They don’t actually ‘know’ anything, they just have ‘theories’.”

She explained, “Why should my opinion matter any less than theirs?” As far as Tiffany was concerned, she didn’t believe in aliens, zombies or dinosaurs and no one could convince her otherwise. That’s her opinion and it should be respected. Besides, if there were so many aliens around – where were they?

It was interesting to witness the breadth of ideas that these three Earth apes brought to the table and so I asked them each to define intelligence.

Tracey alluded to the fact that her brain was like a computer and all of the information that she read is stored inside. The more information – the more intelligent. That… and eating oily fish.

Sunil used a search engine and pointed to a definition. ‘Intelligence is the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills.’

Tiffany said that it was to know when to stop thinking.

Before leaving the office, Sunil began to panic. The battery on his smartphone was down to 2% and he didn’t have his charger with him. What’s more, he relied on the inbuilt sat-nav to guide him back to Hinckley.

Tracey had read somewhere that putting the battery in the fridge will make it last longer whereas in Tiffany’s opinion, he could still use the sat-nav without his phone actually being on.

After several minutes of examining the battery life after intermittent spells in the fridge, it was agreed by all that Sunil would spend the night in Tracey’s box room (she has an inflatable bed he could use) whilst Tiffany would bring her spare phone charger in tomorrow morning – “It was always good to have two,” she explained whilst tapping her finger to the side of her skull. “Just in case of an emergency.”

In an act of social solidarity, we all agreed to join Sunil at Tracey’s for dinner. We ordered Chinese take-away food, played a game of Trivial Pursuit and then watched a documentary about the bottlenose dolphin – a remarkably intelligent animal.

In the galaxy there is a simple test to evaluate the intelligence of sentient beings – The Quasanberg Test.

Developed by Dr Zigfreed Quasanberg of Delta Trianguli, the test has become an absolute standard for anyone wanting a job in the galactic service industry.

I have added the test as an addendum to this blog. Why not give it a try?

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

 

 

The Quasanberg Test

(Answers and scores below)

  1. Sargasian snub-nosed sauropods are pink. What colour are Sargasian snub-nosed sauropods?
  1. Only 4% of this statement is true. True or false?
  1. Computer A states that Computer B is humanoid. Computer B states that Computer A is humanoid. Which computer is humanoid?
  1. If there are five different planets, each a different colour, and the blue planet is before the red, but two spaces in either direction from the green, who owns the fish?
  1. Place the following numbers into the correct order; 5,3,13,2,8 and 1.
  1. How many Earthlings does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

Answers

  1. Green
  2. True
  3. Computer A
  4. The one to the left of the yellow planet
  5. 5,3,13,2,8 and 1.
  6. One

 

Score

0  Congratulations. You scored an above average intelligence quotient for a biological lifeform.

1 – 2 Oh dear. You have the same level of intelligence as an Omicronian television recorder.

3 – 4 Interesting. Have you ever considered applying for employment as a photocopier?

5 – 6 A typical score for a single-celled organism. Please refrain from reproduction.