The Evolution Will Not be Televised

ETTVArtwork: “ETTV” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

“It’s a human eat human world!”  – The Upsilon Orionis Vitameatavegamin Advertising Company

There’s nothing like that feeling when you get home after a hard day’s work, kick off yours shoes, take off your prosthetic head and let your antennae just ping out.

One of my favourite ways to unwind upon this little planet is to stretch out on the sofa and flick through the terrestrial TV channels.

It is interesting to note, that for a long time, citizens of the galaxy had a very simple view of humans.

As a young girl, I was curious about these strange funny monkeys from far, far away. I have fond memories of Saturday mornings in front of the box, bowl of cereal in hand, watching Extra-Terrestrial TV.

I love Lucy and she loves me, we’re as happy as two can be!”

(Most of the earliest shows were from the United States of America, which goes some way to explain why any aliens that can speak Earthling fluently, do so with an American accent.)

In time, Earthlings generated more interest in the wider cosmic community due to the fact that their comical faces, bizarre hairstyles and primitive mannerisms made them perfect for roles in children’s science fiction shows.

In fact, Invaders from Earth remains one of my all-time favourite movies.

However, if you were to watch one of these shows today, you’d be struck by one slight anomaly. You see, all Earthlings are blue.

As far as any real scientific interest, Earthlings were nothing more than a tiny curiosity for a few biologists and a handful of nerds who enjoyed adding simple lifeforms to their online collections.

One of the first transmissions to reach my race was of the 1936 Olympic Games held in Berlin. For those who were responsible for cataloguing interstellar broadcasts, this was just yet another ping in the galactic pool of fuzziness to hit their antennae that day.

The sketchy black and white broadcasts were quickly logged, filed and categorised. Possibly carbon-based lifeforms. Bipeds with green, pink, blueish skin. Appear to be obsessed with jumping around, running and shouting a lot. No sense of humour, ridiculous facial hair, 99.9% chance of already being extinct.

It was a simple mistake that any bored SETI scientist could make considering the vast amount of alien soap operas that hit their satellite dishes on a daily basis – particularly from those races with blue skin.

On Earth, the propensity for prejudice is evident. For example; the young ones are rude, whilst the old ones are racist, the female ones are vulnerable, and the male ones are superior. Although, recently many apes have begun to evolve past this bone-headed primeval idiocy.

The trouble is, still, the apes have a habit of logging, filing and categorising themselves based upon their own prejudices and these are deeply entrenched in their society.

How strange it is that the fictional shows transmitted by earthlings tend to differ from reality.

The television serials and soap operas appear to have evolved since I was a girl. The female apes are no longer portrayed as subordinate to the male ones. The males can now freely display their sensitivities without ridicule and gender neutral characters are slowly beginning to become represented.

However, in contrast, the daily news broadcasts still show the ugly war-mongering, knuckle-dragging, grunting, territorial and barbaric inanity that many in the cosmic community still relate Earth’s apes with.

A lot has changed since I love Lucy… but there is still some way to go.


Until next time, keep evolving!


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