Earthlings Fail to Deliver

DUMBAPEMAILArtwork: “Dumb Ape Mail” by Poly Dandroid ©

 “I’ll believe that when earthlings fly.” – Officer Syco Moff


Okay, let me try this again…


Fourteen weeks ago, I found a humourous novelty shot glass which was shaped in the form of a female Earth ape. It would make a fantastic gift, I thought.

Ah, but there was a slight problem. The shop that supplied it was 14.3 miles away.

However, imagine how pleased I was to discover that this shop could deliver the glass to my home. All I had to do was simply complete the online order form and hey presto! It’d arrive at my front door in 5 to 6 working days.

Well, after several weeks had passed, I had noticed that the glass still had not arrived. Where could it possibly be?

Luckily, the shop had supplied a contact email address and so I asked the very same question to them. They promptly responded.

Dear Poly,
Many thanks for your enquiry and apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We did ship the glass but as I’ve now run a track on it I can see that it continues to be held at the depot.

I will despatch a new glass plus a couple of extras to make up for the unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

A further 4 weeks had passed and I had become quite accustomed to the disappointment of returning home from work each day to find that the glass was not there.

I decided to email back.

Dear Poly,
Once again, apologies for the delayed response and glassware. We have contacted the depot and you will receive your items within the next few days.

I have added a complimentary gift voucher as an apology for this unacceptable delay.

Kind Regards
Bone-headed Earthling

Several days later, I was overjoyed! I had received an email stating that the glass was to be delivered tomorrow before 5.00pm.

On returning home, I looked around my front porch for the package, but it was nowhere to be seen. But wait! What’s that?

Sorry we missed you.

We tried to deliver to you today but unfortunately no one was there to accept it. Your package has been returned to our depot. Please see overleaf to arrange a re-delivery.

I tried to arrange a re-delivery date online. But wait… they can only deliver the glass on time and days when I am not in. How inconvenient.

However, there is an option to pick it up from the depot. But wait… the nearest depo is 14.3 miles away – which kind of defeats the whole reason of why I had ordered it online to be delivered. (It is difficult for me to get there, plus the cost of trains, taxis and buses far outstrips the £2.49 that the novelty shot glass actually costs, otherwise I would have just gone to the shop in the first place! Argh!!!)

I tried to call them… but their office is closed. But wait… I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same working hours as mine, and most others.)

Alternatively, I can call the depo direct… but their office is closed too. I can phone back during their office hours (Which incidentally are the same as mine, and most others.)

So, now I am at work, telephone in hand.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I could not.

Finally, I decided to cancel the order. All’s I had to do was phone the company directly.

Your call is important to us. Please wait.

I left the phone on loudspeaker as I continued my daily job. After returning from the toilet, I was met by the sound of a dead line. I had missed the call.

So, now, by the great beard of Zog, in one final plea for my sanity… if by chance you happen to be the dumb ape that I am referring to…

Keep your bloody glass!!!


Until next time, keep evolving!


2 thoughts on “Earthlings Fail to Deliver

  1. I feel your frustration. I am still waiting for my toasted sandwich maker to arrive from an ancient earth outlet bereft of any sense of customer service whatsover! When I originally ordered they told me to expect up to 28 years delivery. No problem. Mail order was slow back then. I knew this when I signed up. But I’ve now been waiting 34 years and feel like I’m being given the ‘runaround’.
    Luckily a microwave oven that I ordered 18 years ago (from a similar ancient earth outlet but with much better customer service) arrived last month, and this has helped take the edge off of the pain.
    I sincerely hope you manage to find a suitable new glass soon!

    Liked by 2 people

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