Artwork: “The Fall of Man” by Titian, circa 1550, Public Domain
“He was what he ate.” – Ms Petronella Dish
Across the great vast vacuum of the Universe, within innumerable swirly whirly galaxies, inside countless spinning solar systems and on trillions upon trillions of rocky planets, there has been but one lifeform whose flesh has been so overwhelmingly tasty and insatiable to others that its whole evolution has been geared towards concealing it.
For hundreds of thousands of years, this lifeform has carefully evolved to hide its delicious flesh.
Its repulsive fat head, protruding snout and mischievous eyes are only matched for sheer ugliness by the grotesque features found sporting a member of the House of Lords.
Its portly body is covered in short, stiff, coarse hairs, which plods flat-footed upon its stumpy legs as it waddles about in a pool of filthy mud and excrement.
And to further deter other beings in discovering its bodily scrumptiousness, it developed a rather rude, aggressive and obscene snort and trump.
Altogether, it had evolved its appearance to portray a most unpleasant dish.
Imagine then, if you will, that only a few thousand years ago, this lifeform encountered a most unfortunate event. Perhaps either by some natural forest fire or volcanic spew, one of its species became entrapped and ultimately fried to death.
The sizzling remains of its body finally awakened the excited and feverish nostrils of its nearest neighbours – and so its species fate was sealed.
Bacon is a popular choice with many of the Earth’s apes and, as a result, has actually safeguarded the survival of the pig.
However, apart from this extraordinary exception, Earthlings don’t really like meat. They think they do… but they don’t.
Possibly due to the pig, they are self-imposed omnivores.
What the Earth apes really like… are nuts and berries. And this is no coincidence.
The evolution of the Earth ape has been manipulated and modified over millions of years by the tree.
The trees have encouraged the taste-buds of the ape to consume its fruits to spread their seeds far and wide. An additional bonus is that the human apes will suck in all the nasty oxygen from the atmosphere and produce tasty carbon dioxide – the trees love this.
As it swung and scampered along the branches, the early nude primate’s hands were shaped perfectly to pick the fruit.
Over the years its body also adapted to the trees’ will. Its flat molars evolved to grind down the vegetation and nuts, and the jaw was able to move side to side to aid this. (Incidentally, the tiny canines that the humans possess are strictly for the pigs.)
A human’s intestinal tracts are long to allow the body more time to break down fibre and absorb the nutrients from plant-based foods. The seeds survive this process when excreted. On a recent visit to the toilets at a motorway service station, I observed several specimens which still contained fully-intact peanuts and sweetcorn – which supported my hypothesis.
Since the fabled pig of this blog alerted the apes to its succulent body, humans have been trying out all the other animals too.
As a result, their bellies now bloat and gurgle as they attempt to digest the rotting meat being shoved down into them. This can lead to food poisoning. The added fat and cholesterol also increases the Earth ape’s risk of heart disease, diabetes, strokes, cancer and obesity.
Today, the apes will drizzle their meat in sauces, sweet berries, salts, spices or herbs to trick their guts into gobbling it up.
Whilst on my weekly shop at one of Earth’s many supermarkets, I perused the aisles with intrigue. The fat apes loaded their trolleys with all sorts of sweet and salty treats. The plants potential offspring was still evident, only now it was joined with a vast array of chemically advanced breads, sauces, jellies and juices. It was interesting to note that meats were presented without their ugly faces.
Until next time, keep evolving!