Artwork: “The Mating Dance of the Earth Ape” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©
“There is nothing so unappealing as sex appeal.” – Dr Frigmund Zoid
When visiting Earth, the best place one can witness the elaborate mating rituals of the species is at the Jacaranda Nightclub.
Two female apes, who answer to the names of Tiffany and Stacey, insisted that I accompany them on what is commonly referred to as a “girl’s night out.” I decidedly accepted the invitation as it presented a unique opportunity to further study the female of the species’ social habits.
Firstly, it may be of some interest to consider the adopted plumage of the female, which is quite intricate and by all accounts very similar to that of the Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey.
To attract a mate, the female Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey will undertake a series of elaborate visual processes.
One such process is to display a swollen rump to the males. Her hindquarters are elevated and the fat of her lower torso is tightly compressed against the body to expose the round gluteal muscles. This is further accentuated by the monkey escalating the heels and walking on her toes, sometimes awkwardly.
Stacey demonstrated this task with ease as she clip-clopped and stumbled across Tiffany’s tiled kitchen floor whilst managing to skilfully maintain her balance by using half a bottle of Prosecco and a pink handbag – I opted for flats.
Several physiologic changes are also observable; the lips become pursed and are reddened, the eyes enlarge and eyelashes appear elongated. It is not uncommon to witness rows of snub-nosed primates admiring their reflections in ice-sheets whilst pouting and liberally applying black pigment to their lashes.
Fortunately for me, Tiffany had an extensive set of spare eye-lashes with the required length and volume, which she applied to my own face.
The Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey will often use olfactory signals. These odorants can be quite pungent. The Earth apes also apply synthetic scents to their bodies. This is actually quite a relief, as the apes’ natural pheromones are quite unpleasant to say the least. It is no wonder that Earthlings apply as much perfume to their bodies as is possible to attract a mate.
It appears that to prepare for the evening’s daunting encounter with the male of the species, Earth’s female apes will first consume an abnormally large amount of alcohol. By the time we spilled out of the taxi and tottered into the Jacaranda, my mental and social capacity was already reduced to that of a Tarazedan snub-nosed monkey – which made my professional observations and judgement all the more difficult. However, in the interests of science, I persevered.
The environment of the nightclub is appropriately designed. The music is extremely loud, the room is dark and bright lights dazzle you at every turn.
At the bar, male Earth apes can been seen displaying a wide range of vocal and gestural communications, including whooping, chest pounding, back slapping and downing copious amounts of alcohol.
Then… the mating dance of the Earth apes begin.
It appears that before any actually dancing should commence, the custom is for the males and females to scrutinise each other, whilst making it perfectly clear that this is the exact thing that they are not doing.
In the early stages, the males approach cautiously. It would be detrimental for their possibility of mating if they were to engage with the female prematurely.
It is not uncommon to see them, with chest puffed out, stroll towards a female before taking a last second diversion – the game is set.
The contest to establish an alpha male is apparent. Often congregating in groups, the males become excitable when observing the females, especially the ones with very long eyelashes, reddened lips and high heels. The male who can whoop the loudest and appear largest to the others will often be nominated as the leader – it now befalls on them to establish first contact with a female troop.
Cautiously, I follow Tiffany and Stacey out onto the dance floor, beginning with a slight shuffle, adding a bounce and upon finding a space; a wiggle – however, it is not necessary to do these things in time with the music.
The dance floor is an intimidating arena. Sambuca-fuelled apes, beer-belching monkeys and tequila-induced baboons swing wildly to the rhythms. One ape feverishly began to gesticulate in a peculiar manner to my right. I was unsure of the signals – which was not helped by my fake eye-lash becoming slightly unstuck and obstructing my view.
Noticing that I had become disorientated, (along with the fact that Stacey had now chosen to exuberantly exchange her saliva with another ape) Tiffany took me to the safety of the toilets.
The last thing I can remember is violently heaving into the toilet bowl.
I awoke the following afternoon on Tiffany’s sofa to the smell of fried eggs. Stacey’s male ape had left an hour earlier – the evening had been a success.
In all my studies of the diverse mating rituals across the galaxy, none have been as exasperating as the one performed by Earth’s apes. It’s a wonder they have made it this far.
Until next time, keep evolving!