Artwork: “Hazardous for the Environment” CLP Pictogram– (Public Domain)
“You cannot teach an old ape new tricks.” – ‘The Earthling Bop’ by The Big Bang Band
Whilst on a relaxing galactic cruise, Mr and Mrs Queegansplatz of Kornephoros 12 were rudely and inexplicably ejected from their hammocks as the Captain had to make a sudden and dramatic hard turn to avoid a 900 kilogram manhole cover, which was careering past the ship’s starboard bow.
Enraged by this event, the Queegansplatz, along with many of the passengers of the Starship Queen Zillibeta II, immediately sought compensation from the Asterion Cruise Line Company.
Subsequently, representatives of the company sought out the destination of the object, and after several years of feverishly spinning around the sector in their little flying saucers, they finally located it as originating from a tiny and insignificant little planet named Earth.
Shocked and disgusted by the amount of debris that was beginning to accumulate around the orbit of this planet, Galactic authorities immediately imposed Health and Safety regulation 2.4 upon the damn dirty apes, along with instructions to promptly clean up their mess and keep the galaxy tidy. However, the dumb ape that received this notice, unfortunately misunderstood, promptly circled it, and wrote the word WOW! in big letters beside it. As a result the planet is now under quarantine until further notice.
Oh, and the origin of the 900 kilogram steel plate cap. It was sent hurtling at approximately six times the escape velocity from Earth as a result of Operation Plumbbob. A series of nuclear explosions at the Nevada test site in the USA from 1957.
Fortunately, after spending some time on this little planet, I have noticed that some of the younger apes have recently began to take note.
On flying back from a recent holiday in the Azores, Alisha, my friend Tracey’s eldest daughter, proudly told me how her university group has successfully began a leafleting campaign to highlight the dreadful effects of deforestation on the planet.
Alisha is passionate about the environment and is only a further 200 signatures away from her target on her internet campaign to ban fossil fuels by the Earth year 2030.
I have to agree with her. It is odd for a race that has discovered renewable energy such as wind turbines and photovoltaic solar panels, to continue to dig up and burn million-year-old trees and plankton which result in increased atmospheric carbon dioxide and methane levels – Phewy! Is it me or is it getting hot around here?
After helping Alisha plant a few new saplings in her garden, we wash up. I can’t help but notice the plastic microbeads and anti-bacterial soap that she uses, gurgling down the plug hole.
High level nuclear waste may take as much as 10,000 years of isolation until it is safe for the environment. Unfortunately, Earthlings don’t have that much time.
The ongoing wheezing of car exhausts, mass deforestation, burning fossils, spewing chimneys, spurting aerosols, bloated landfills, regurgitating sewage-pipes, over farming and flatulent paddy fields may see the end of the Anthropocene epoch on Earth well before then – despite Alisha’s efforts.
On arriving home, I sign Alisha’s online petition. Only another 199 signatures to go.
Until next time, keep evolving!