Artwork: “Little Green Men” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©
“If it looks like a human, walks like a human, and talks like a human, then it probably is a human.” – Ambassador Spork
I watched with intrigue as a line of Earth apes gradually assembled together in one spot. Many kinds were present; a mother with her two offspring – which obediently remained by her side, and next to her, a bearded ape, who stood perfectly still as it navigated its tiny mind through the display of an electronic device. Further along the line, an elderly ape, perched upon a walking frame, politely smiled as two school-age apes appeared to become excitable about what was to soon occur.
Others joined the line; a smartly dressed ape with a suitcase, a bald ape, and an ape with an unnecessarily large hat.
All gathered together at this one point, they looked up… and waited.
And then it happened… it was the moment they had all been waiting for.
Above, a little green man appeared before them, and in unison… they all crossed the road together.
Unfortunately, not all of Earth’s apes have evolved to this level. Only a few feet down the road, I had witnessed a distressing, but all too common, occurrence on this little planet, involving one of Earth’s adolescent apes.
The young ape was clearly very distraught. Puffing out its chest, whooping and waving its arms, it adopted an aggressive posture in an attempt to intimidate the passers-by.
Only moments earlier, the adolescent ape – so desperate to cross the road at this particular place – had risked its life as it scurried and darted in front of a lorry, before safely making it into the middle of the lanes. Now, it found itself in a perilous situation, unable to return to the safety of the pavement.
Either unsympathetic or ignorant to its quest, automobiles continued to whizz by. Pedestrians gawped at the pathetic figure cast alone on the central white lines. Subsequently, the ape had become ensnarled by stupidity and exposed in ignominy.
The ape, apparently unaware of the damage its body would cause to a speeding automobile, again stepped slightly further into the road. As a Ford Fiesta descended upon it, the ape quickly leapt back whilst waving its fists in disbelief!
Undeterred, the ruddy-faced ape attempted to cross the road again, and again it had to rapidly make its way back to the safety of the middle of the road as a Renault Clio raced inches past.
It is not fully understood why some of the Earth’s apes decide to cross at this particular point. However, records show that year upon year, many risk their lives in doing so. The spot is a fraught with danger and is notorious for being a heavily congested carriageway used by countless automobiles such as Audis, BMWs and Landrovers.
Unfortunately, this is not the only instance of a primitive Earth ape struggling to grasp the fundamental principles of a road.
Only yesterday, I was horrified to witness a female ape shoving her infant ape’s pushchair into the path of oncoming traffic in an attempt dissuade the divers in continuing along the route, and last week, I happened to witness a fat ape mindlessly wander into the path of an indicating Vauxhall Astra.
I am reminded of the Algolian Pedestrian Safety Campaign’s public information films – which were once extremely popular in this quadrant of the Galaxy. “Stop, look, listen and think! Don’t become another splatter on the windscreen!”
For the adolescent ape, by chance, and just a short few feet down the road, the traffic signals changed. Within seconds, a clear path presented itself to the ape. Whilst its mind was too primitive to make the simple connection, its instinct led it across the road and to the safety of the pavement. For now, this ape will survive.
Will humans learn to adapt to their environment – both natural and artificial? Or are they doomed to extinction by their own ignorance and stupidity? The national statistics for road traffic accidents may be an indication. Until then, it is advisable to keep an eye out for the little green men. They are here to help and guide you.
Until next time, keep evolving!