Have a Crap Day

Have a crap dayArtwork: “Crap Day” by The PPC Spectrophonic Studio ©

A good lie is wasted on an idiot.” – Commodore Omiga

The dark rings around my eyes are the result of having a brain that has spent the entire night wittering on about changing electricity suppliers, creating scenarios involving me saving my work colleagues from a hostage situation, rehearsing excuses for not attending Verity’s daughter’s birthday slumber party and determinedly compiling lists of in which order I am going to do all of these things when I wake up.

Furthermore, the same brain has let me down this morning whilst I scampered around the house trying to recall where I left my keys, spat toothpaste down my clothes, put the coffee in the fridge, tripped over my own feet, put my pants on back to front and pushed a door that I should have pulled.

I arrived at work with a face which resembled one that had just been hit by a tennis ball and hair that could be mistaken for a tumbleweed.

It was at this very point that the gormless office ape, Tiffany, delivered the spark that finally made my head explode – “Are you okay?”

On Antares 4, it is highly unorthodox and considered extremely rude to ask somebody if they are okay – when it is obvious that they are not.

Antareans learnt long ago that one of the natural conditions of existing in this universe, is that once in a while, you’ll feel a little bit irked by it.

In fact, their culture has evolved to accept and embrace it in all its forms. On the 200th galactic day, every galactic year, they celebrate Anterean Crap Day. (6th June on Earth)

On Crap day, every Anterean joins in the festivities of telling others to piss off.

Spouses actively engage in traditional arguments over loo seats, in-laws and in which place the ketchup belongs. (F.Y.I. it’s in the cupboard, NOT the fridge!)

Employees and employers insult each other with suggestions of in which orifice they can insert different items of stationery. Best friends share lists of which of their bad habits irritate them the most and families get together to throw crockery at walls, pull faces and slam doors.

Antareans take their entitlement very seriously and, as this is a symptom of living in the universe itself, do not require an explanation for their problems.

In fact, as no one needs to be offended by others problems and acceptance is in full, the race is one of the most relaxed species in the entire cosmos.

Having a problem with the universe is a wonderful thing and something to be embraced. So next time someone asks you if you are okay, when you clearly are not, remember, it’s your problem, not theirs, and you are entitled to it!

Tiffany and I commenced to celebrate the occasion in full. I threw my stapler at her, she stuck her tongue out at me. I copied managers into emails which described her failings, she loudly commented on how long I’d spent on my break. Additionally, I lingered around the toilets when it was clear that she needed to defecate, whilst she ate the last of the chocolate bourbons. In fact, by lunchtime I had begun to speculate that she may have actually celebrated this before.

So, to all of you apes out there – I sincerely hope you have a crap day!

Until next time, keep evolving!

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