Where Can I Get a Pair of Ape-Skin Shoes?

Ape Skin ShoesArtwork: “Ape-Skin Shoes” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

“The more intelligent, the less tasty.” – Doctor Sophia Pendix

Life is a wonderful thing. From the primordial puddle, a gooey mess of amino acids stir for millions of years. From out of this puddle climb tiny creatures which scuttle about on the rocks, sniffing things and eating one another. In due course, these little creatures grow, and if they are lucky enough to dodge a few asteroid impacts and volcanoes along the way, they develop rudimentary social habits, such as table manners, and eventually produce something that can ultimately design the recipe for a perfect steak and kidney pie.

Mrs Cholmondeley, next door but one, used to be able to make such a pie.

She now makes a great pair of ape-skin shoes.

Today, I am in London. The hustle and bustle of the city offers a fantastic opportunity to witness a variety of social combobulation.

From the opposite side of the planet, a troop of apes has travelled here to point and take photographs of another troop of apes which is parading outside of a big house whilst balancing the fur of bears upon their heads. It’s a remarkable sight.

One leather-clad spectator seemed totally oblivious to that fact that if she’d travelled just a little further around the globe, she would have been able to see the fur with the bear still inside of it.

It’s quite common to witness this behaviour from Earth apes. It appears that a coat belonging to any species which has yet to develop the art of dining etiquette, is considered available for formal attire.

In fact, one ape had so obviously been in such a hurry this morning that she had inexplicably imagined that covering her feet in the skin of a reptilian was a good idea.

I have several reptilian friends who would find this quite offensive. Of course, not all races in the galaxy would agree.

For example; Ape-skin shoes are very popular in this sector of the galaxy.

A standard pair of ape-skin shoes can fetch over seven hundred cosmic dollars, all of the skin is used, and the meat of the human ape is considered a delicacy.

Traditionally, ape-skin shoes have been a status symbol for many of the wealthy elite of Earth’s nearest neighbour; Proxima Centuri. However, in recent centuries, the Proxima Centuri Group for Ethical Treatment of Humans has protested about the cruel and barbaric slaughter of Earth apes.

A prominent politician has called for an immediate ban on ape-skin shoes, suggesting that artificial materials are used instead. This has gained some support in the system, with student demonstrations, leafleting campaigns, and a renewed interest in the rights of sub-intelligent beings that live in a type 0 civilization.

However, traditionalists argue that a cull is an effective means to stabilize the increasing number of humans in this quadrant of the galaxy.

One hunter explained “The cull takes a conservative approach … so the number of humans harvested would stabilize growing populations while ensuring a continuation of healthy ape numbers in this sector.”

One backer even suggested that the growing number of humans presents a safety hazard. “…If we don’t act now, the entire quadrant could be littered with atomic bombs, nuclear waste and exfoliating plastic microbeads within the next 200 galactic years.”

I guess for some species, old habits are hard to break.

As is the custom, I took a selfie with the ape wearing a bear on his head, then buttoned up my coat, and left to embark on the impossible task of finding somewhere decent to eat.

Until next time, keep evolving!


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