Never Accept a Friend Request from a Rigelian

4DVRArtwork: “4D Virtual Reality” by The Estrella Moon Workshop ©

“A person is only as smart as the computer that’s using it.” – Dr Mac Appological

It was lunchtime. We’d met for a quick coffee in the town centre. I hadn’t seen Trudy for some time now and so was looking forward for a quick catch up and gossip.

Surveying the café whilst we queued, Trudy quickly pounced upon a corner table as two corporate clad gentlemen slurped down their final dregs and packed away their laptops. We nestled into our opportunistically acquired seats, sitting across the table from one another, she with the Cappuccino, and me with the Americano.

Whilst I was attempting to ascertain how she’d been and how she was spending her time nowadays, it became apparent that something was on her mind.

I could see the signs; the nervous twitch of the fingers, the erratic stirring of the froth, and the uncontrollable darting eyes.

It didn’t take long for me to figure it out. I followed her quick repetitive glances to her handbag – It was definitely in there.

The apologies spilled out upon the table as she clutched the neuroleptic device in her hands. “It will just take a minute.” “If I don’t reply, she’ll get funny.” “I said I’d send it.”

After another fifteen minutes of watching her thumb frantically jig upon the keypad, help her spell out “a.c.q.u.a.i.n.t.a.n.c.e.”, and listen to one half of a conversation about something scandalous a woman named Felicity had shared on her social media page, we said our goodbyes and promised not to leave it so long until we did it again.

Avoiding a mindless adolescent ape as it charged toward me with its head plugged into an electronic tablet via ear phones, and escaping the wails of a toddler as it implored for the soothing comfort of a digital game from its parent, I hurriedly made my way home.

The biotechnological age of humanity is in its infancy and is widely evident.

This behaviour is quite common in the galaxy for a fledgling species, which will usually grow out of it within a generation or two. However, some do not.

For example; the entire civilization of Rigel 4b is kept on a server no bigger than a snub-nosed purple myriapod.

To eradicate all biological restrictions, such as having to reach for a remote control or attend socially awkward engagements, the Rigelians believed that downloading their minds onto their planetary internet was the next obvious evolutionary step.

The inhabitants of Rigel 4b have therefore spent over a millennia electronically surfing their extensive catalogue of countless amateur video uploads, gratuitous blogs, monotonous games and celebrity infatuated e-zines.

The effect has been catastrophic. As a result, Rigelians are now considered the most boring, anti-social, dim-witted, conceited, ill-mannered and obnoxious species in the entire universe.

For this reason, it is strongly advised by the Galactic Board for Interstellarnet Safety, never to accept a friend request from a Rigelian.

As for Trudy, I’ll send her a text message to let her know I’m thinking of her.

Until next time, keep evolving!

 

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